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71 Marriage Jokes

Joke: The Disappearing Man!!!

A man left work one Friday afternoon. But instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend, hunting with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by his very angry wife and was barraged for nearly 2 hours with a tirade about his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him "How would you like it if you didn't see me for 2 or 3 days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went and he didn't see her. On Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

- The Joker


Joke: Vacationing in Hawaii!

For our 20th anniversary my husband and I vacationed in Hawaii, where we went snorkeling. After an hour in the water everyone got back on the boat, except for me and one handsome young man. As I continued my underwater exploring, I noticed that everywhere I swam, he swam. I snorkeled for another 40 minutes. So did he. I climbed back in the boat; so did he.

I felt very flattered and, as I took off my fins, asked him coyly why he had stayed in the water for so long. "I'm the lifeguard," he replied matter-of-factly. "I couldn't get out until you did."

- The Joker


Joke: Tornado!

A tornado hit a farmhouse just before dawn. It lifted the roof off, picked up the beds on which the farmer and his wife slept, and set them down gently in the next county. The wife began to cry.

"Don't be scared, Susan," her husband said. "We are not hurt."

Susan continued to cry. "I'm not scared," she said between sobs. "I'm happy because this is the first time in 15 years we've been out together."

- The Joker


Joke: Just some Sour Milk!

Why would you ever want to remarry an ex-spouse?

It's like finding some sour milk, putting it in the trash for a couple of days, and then wondering to yourself: "Gee, I wonder if it'll taste any better now."

- The Joker


Joke: Catholic ceremony!

Nancy was Catholic, but her fiance, Chris, was not. Since my friends were planning to be married in the Catholic Church, Chris made sure to listen carefully throughout their prenuptial sessions. At one meeting the priest turned to Chris and told him, "Since you are not Catholic, we shall have the ceremony without Eucharist."

Later that day, Chris was noticeably upset, so Nancy asked what was wrong. "I don't understand," he said. "How can we have the ceremony without me?"

- The Joker


Joke: Amazing!

In days past, children were given names that sound strange to us today -- Prudence, Charity, Faith, and so on. One boy was named Amazing, and he resented it all his life. People laughed at him because of it. He told his wife that, when the time came, he did not want his name on his tombstone. When he died, she followed his wishes and put on the tombstone, "Here lies a man who was faithful to his wife for 60 years."

But even in death, he couldn't escape the curse, because everyone that looked at his tombstone said, "Why, that's Amazing!"

- The Joker


Joke: The perfect couple!

It may have been the most romantic statement ever uttered in our courthouse. In between hearings, a wedding was performed. As the newlyweds left the courtroom, the bride nestled up to the groom and cooed, "Isn't it nice to be here when we're not being convicted of something?"

- The Joker


Joke: All the things around the house that he used to do...

A man tells his doctor that he's incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, "Okay, Doctor. In plain English - what's wrong with me?"

"Well, in plain English," says the doctor, "you're just lazy."

The man nods. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

- The Joker


Joke: Second Funeral Service!

Following a funeral service, the pallbearers are carrying the casket out of the church when they accidentally bump into a wall. From inside the coffin they hear a faint moan. Opening the lid, they find the man inside alive! He leaps out, performs a little jig, and lives another ten years before eventually keeling over.

Once again, a ceremony is conducted, and at the end, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they head toward the doors of the church, the wife of the deceased leaps to her feet and shouts, "Watch the wall!"

- The Joker


Joke: Marrying again...

During a heartfelt chat with her friend about relationships, my wife sighed and said, "You know, if something happened to Lloyd, I don't think I could ever marry again."

Her friend nodded sympathetically. "I know what you mean," she said. "Once is enough."

- The Joker


Joke: Why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives...

While reading a newspaper, Walter came across an article about a beautiful actress and model who married a boxer who was noted for his IQ.

"I'll never understand," he said to his wife, "why the biggest jerks get the most attractive wives."

His wife replied, "Why, thank you, dear."

- The Joker


Joke: A Testing Question

This guy's wife asks, "Honey if I died would you remarry?"

He replies, "Well, after a considerable period of grieving, we all need companionship, I guess I would."

She says, "If I died and you remarried, would she live in this house?"

He replies, "We've spent a lot of time and money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, would she sleep in our bed?"

and he says, "That bed is brand new, we just paid two thousand dollars for it, it's going to last a long time, I guess she would."

So she asks, "If I died and you remarried, and she lived in this house, and slept in our bed, would she use my golf clubs?"

and he says, "Oh no, she's left handed."

- The Joker


Joke: Adam & Eve!

After Adam stayed out late a few nights, Eve became suspicious.

"You're running around with another woman - admit it!" she demanded.

"What other woman?" Adam shot back. "You're it!"

That night, Adam was fast asleep when he was awakened by Eve poking him in the chest.

"What are you doing?"

"Counting your ribs."

- The Joker


Joke: A Man Meets a Genie

A man meets a genie. The genie tells him he can have whatever he wants, provided that his mother-in-law gets double. The man thinks for a moment and then says, "OK, give me a million dollars and beat me half to death."

- The Joker


Joke: Hopelessly romantic husband!

As the music swelled during a recent wedding reception, my hopelessly romantic husband squeezed my hand, leaned in, and said, "You are better looking than half the women here."

- The Joker


Joke: Good to be home!

I returned home from my ninth business trip of the year with a severe bout of jet lag-induced foot-in-mouth disease. As we prepared to go to sleep that night, I wrapped my arms around my better half, gave her a kiss, and announced, "It's good to be in my own bed, with my own wife!"

- The Joker


Joke: What pregnancy is really like!

A couple we know were in Lamaze class, where they had an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The husband stood up and shrugged, saying, "This doesn't feel so bad."

The teacher then dropped a pen and asked him to pick it up.

"You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant?" he asked.

"Exactly," replied the instructor.

To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."

- The Joker


Joke: The Farmer's Story

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled. The farmer said, "That's once."

A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."

After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride raised all kind of hell with him, telling him, "That was an awful thing to do."

The farmer said, "That's once."

- The Joker


Joke: Weddings: you're next!

"Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next!"

They stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals."

- The Joker


Joke: Joe goes to the Super Bowl!

Joe's seat is in the nosebleed section, but at least he's at the Super Bowl.

So he starts looking around the stadium with his binoculars and sees a guy about 5 rows off the field on the 50 yard line with an empty seat beside him.

This is driving Joe nuts, so at half time, he goes down and asks the guy why he has a vacant seat in such a choice location.

The guy says, "My wife and I bought these seats a long time ago.

But unfortunately, she passed away."

"Oh, I'm really sorry to hear that", Joe says, "But why didn't you give the ticket to another relative or a friend?"

The guy replies: "They're all at the funeral."

- The Joker


Joke: In the Middle of the Night

A wife woke of the middle of the night to find her husband missing from bed. She got out of bed and checked around the house. She heard sobbing from the basement.

After turning on the light and descending the stairs, she found he husband curled up into a little ball, sobbing. "Honey, what's wrong?" she asked, worried about what could hurt him so much.

"Remember, 20 years ago, I got you pregnant? And your father threatened me to marry you or to go to jail?"

"Yes, of course," she replied.

"Well, I would have been released tonight."

- The Joker


Joke: Confession!

While a woman is keeping vigil beside her husband's deathbed, he says to her, "Before I die, I have something to confess to you."

"Shh, not now," she replies.

"But I need to tell you: I cheated on you," he admits.

"Yes, I know," she replies.

"I need to clear my conscience before I die... "

"Shh," she counters. "Just lie back and let the poison work."

- The Joker


Joke: God and Adam Strike a Deal

After God had created Adam he noticed that he looked very lonely. He decided to help.

He said "Adam, I've decided to make you a woman. She'll love you, cook for you, be sweet to you, and understand you."

Adam said "Great! How much will she cost me?"

The answer came back, "An arm and a leg."

"Well," said Adam "what can I get for a rib?"

- The Joker


Joke: Marriage Advice!

My granddaughter's wedding, the DJ polled the guests to see who had been married the longest. Since it turned out to be my husband and me, the DJ asked us, "What advice would you give to the newly married couple?"

I said, "The three most important words in a marriage are, 'You're probably right.' "

Everyone then looked expectantly at my husband. "She's probably right," he said.

- The Joker


Joke: Standing in Line

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

- The Joker


Joke: Pet Names

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house. Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

The host said, "Well, honestly, I've forgotten her name."

- The Joker


Joke: The Frantic Phone Call!

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

- The Joker


Joke: The Best Boss in the World!!!

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith," the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith, "I knew I could count on you!"

- The Joker


Joke: A Great Guy and Fabulous Gal

Joey was a great guy with wonderful qualities except for unbelievably stinky feet. Sharon was a fabulous gal with everything going for her except her terrible breath. Because of these qualities neither dared to date anyone.

When they met, however, they knew they were right for each other. As the relationship grew neither could reveal their embarrassing features to each other. When Joey wanted to kiss her, Sharon would decline. Sharon would want to take long walks on the beach but Joey would refuse.

Later they decided to get married and in their hotel room the moment that comes to all newlyweds had arrived. Sharon decided to reveal her secret and said' "Joey there is something I must tell you. I..."

and Joey interrupted, "I know, you ate my socks"

- The Joker


Joke: Cooks in the Kitchen!

A wife is scrambling eggs when her husband bursts into the kitchen.

"Careful," he cries. "Careful! You're cooking too many at once. Too many! Scramble them! Now! We need more butter. They're going to stick! Careful! Now scramble them again! Hurry up! Are you crazy? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. Use the salt! The salt!"

The wife turns and asks, "What is wrong with you?"

Her husband calmly replies, "I wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

- The Joker


Joke: Denise and De...

A man and woman marry after a brief courtship and all is well for a time. Eventually they are blessed with child.

The woman's time comes, and as she is taken into the operating room, she calls the husband over. "Honey, there's something I really have to tell you. There is as an very old tradition in our families that the oldest living male gets to name any new children born to anyone in the family. That means my brother must name our first child. I know this comes as a shock, but I couldn't tell you earlier, because I didn't want to upset you."

"But, but..." sputters the husband "I know your brother. Wasn't he injured in the war? There's no question that he'll screw this up!"

"I'm sorry" says the wife, "but that's the way it has to be."

"All right" he sighs, "what did your brother name our daughter?"

"Denise," says the mother, quietly, and the husband sighs in relief. Just then the doctor informs them that they are about to be parents of male and female twins.

"Oh no", sighs the woman.

"What is it, love?"

"The boy's name is Denephew."

- The Joker


Joke: Happily Engaged!

Recently engaged, my brother-in-law Jeff brought his fiancee home to meet the family. When asked if she was enjoying herself, she politely replied yes. "She would say that," Jeff interjected. "She's not the type to say no."

"I see," my husband said after a brief silence. "And that explains the engagement."

- The Joker


Joke: Buying Rental Properties!

My client buys many rental properties, not always with the enthusiastic support of his wife. Recently, I was showing him a home when his wife called. I could hear her ask what he was doing. "The real estate agent and I are having an affair," he answered.

"Oh, thank God," she said. "I thought she was selling you another house."

- The Joker


Joke: Compulsive Gambler!

My wife divorced me recently because I'm a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to win her back.

- The Joker


Joke: Driving Home one Afternoon

A man was driving home late one afternoon, and he was driving above the speed limit. He looks in his rear view mirror and notices a police car with its red lights. He thinks, "I can outrun this guy", so he floors it.

The cars are racing down the highway -- 60, 70, 80, 90 miles an hour. Finally, as his speedometer passes 100, the guy realizes he can't outrun the cop so he gives up and pulls over to the curb. The police officer gets out of his cruiser and approaches the car.

He leans down and says "Listen mister, I've had a really lousy day, and I just want to go home. Give me a good excuse and I'll let you go."

The man thought for a moment and said, "Three weeks ago my wife ran off with a police officer. When I saw your cruiser in my rear view mirror I thought you were that officer and you were trying to give her back to me!"

- The Joker


Joke: Convict Marriage!

Two convicts are working on a chain gang. "I heard the warden's daughter up and married a guy down on cellblock D," the first con says to the other. "The warden's mighty upset about it too."

"Why?" asks the second prisoner. "Because she married a con?"

"No. Because they eloped."

- The Joker


Joke: The Voice!

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice. "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you." The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.

He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die." The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.

"Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"

"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.

"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where were you when I got married?"

- The Joker


Joke: Sally Brings Home her Report Card

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Sally's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

- The Joker


Joke: Rich Tea and Sympathy

There was this artist, who worked from a studio in his home. He specialized in nudes, and had been working on what he thought would be a masterpiece for several months now. As usual, his model reported, and after exchanging the usual greetings and small talk, she began to undress for the day's work.

He told her not to bother as he felt pretty bad with a cold he had been fighting. He told her that he would pay her for the day, but that she could just go home; he just wanted some hot tea and then, off to bed.

The model said "Oh, please, let me fix it for you. It's the least I can do." He agreed and told her to fix herself a cup too. They were sitting in the living room just exchanging small talk and enjoying their tea, when he heard the front door open and close, then some familiar footsteps.

"Oh my God!" he whispered loudly, "It's my wife, Quick! Take all your clothes off."

- The Joker


Joke: New Jacket for the Girlfriend!

My husband and I couldn't decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.

"If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend," I said, "what would you get?"

"A bulletproof one," he said. "I'm married."

- The Joker


Joke: Time for a Little Counselling

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counselling. They had been at each other's throat for some time and felt that this was their last straw.

When they arrived at the counsellor's office, the counsellor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. "What seems to be the problem?" Immediately, the husband held his long face down without anything to say. On the other hand, the wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage.

After 5 - - 10 - - 15 minutes of listening to the wife, the counsellor went over to her, picked her up by her shoulders, kissed her passionately for several minutes, and sat her back down.

Afterwards, the wife sat there speechless. He looked over at the husband who was staring in disbelief at what had happened.

The counsellor spoke to the husband, "Your wife NEEDS that at least twice a week!"

The husband scratched his head and replied, "I can have her here on Tuesdays and Thursdays."

- The Joker


Joke: How were people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

- The Joker


Joke: A very amicable divorce!

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like.

- The Joker


Joke: Poor Man

A grief-stricken man threw himself across a grave and cried bitterly. "My life, how senseless it is! How worthless is everything about me because you are gone. If only you hadn't died, if only fate had not been so cruel as to take you from this world, how different everything would have been."

A clergyman happened by and to soothe the man he offered a prayer. Afterward he said, "I assume the person lying beneath this mound of earth was someone of great importance to you."

"Importance? Indeed it was," moaned the man. "It's my wife's first husband!"

- The Joker


Joke: The Compassionate Golfer!!!

Two men are playing a round of golf one sunny afternoon. The bet was $1,000 per stroke. The game was fiercely competitive and there was no great love lost between the two.

Upon reaching the green of the twelfth hole, something odd happened. One of the golfers approached his ball which lay on the very edge of the green. He eyed it's preferred path to the hole and prepared to commence forward with his shot. All of a sudden he paused; held his head in acute alertness and turned toward the road just outside the Course's fenced boundary. A rather lengthy funeral procession was about to pass by. The golfer removed his hat and crossed it over his heart, bowing his head sorrowfully. The procession lasted nearly ten minutes and the golfer didn't move until the last car passed. He then promptly placed his hat back atop his head, bent over his ball and knocked it straight into the cup nearly 75 feet away.

The second golfer stood in utter amazement. He wiped a tear from his eye and shouted from the fairway, "No matter how the shot turned out, that, my old friend, was the greatest display of pure sportsmanship I have ever witnessed. You showed respect and compassion for the passing of another human life and took time out of your favorite game to do so, even with the risk that the break in concentration may have cost you $1000."

The second golfer nodded and said, "Yes. We would have been married for 35 years tomorrow. I sure am going to miss her."

- The Joker


Joke: I'm married!

Jack wakes up with a horrible hangover and a throbbing black eye. The first thing he sees is a single rose on the side table and a note from his wife: "Dear, breakfast is made. I've gone shopping to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and, sure enough, there's breakfast. "Joe," he says to his son, "what happened last night?"

"You came home soused and got that black eye tripping over a chair."

"So, why the rose, breakfast, and sweet note from your mother?"

"Oh, that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take off your clothes, you screamed, 'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

- The Joker


Joke: Bad News!!!

Malborn sat in his attorney's office. "Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.

"Give me the bad news first."

"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."

"That's the bad news?" asked Malborn incredulously. "I can't wait to hear the terrible news."

"It's of you and your mistress."

- The Joker


Joke: And then God created Saturn...

And then God created Saturn... And he liked it, so he put a ring on it.

- The Joker


Joke: Immature husband?

My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.

- The Joker


Joke: My wife said she had had enough of me...

My wife said she had had enough of me because I couldn't get my directions left. So I just packed my bags and right.

- The Joker


Joke: Why women aren't allowed in space!

Do you know why women aren't allowed in space?

To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"

"What is the problem?"

"Yeah, great, pretend like you don't know what I'm talking about!"

- The Joker


Joke: A Big Game Hunter

A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the Mrs awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.

The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her. In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.

The wife cried, "What are we going to do?"

"Nothing," said the hunter husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, let him get himself out of it."

- The Joker


Joke: Fairy-tale romance!

My wife said she wanted a "fairy-tale romance," so I've locked her in a tower.

- The Joker


Joke: Jumping over a parking meter!

Although I was only a few pounds overweight, my wife was harping on me to diet. One evening we took a brisk walk downtown, and I surprised her by jumping over a parking meter, leapfrog style.

Pleased with myself, I said, "How many fat men do you know who can do that?"

"One," she retorted.

- The Joker


Joke: Over Breakfast One Morning

Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is."

"Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang, and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped , two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

"First, the flowers then the chocolates, and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in all my life!"

- The Joker


Joke: Perfect Coverup!

A member of a diet club bemoaned her lack of will-power. She'd made her family's favorite cake over the weekend, she explained, and they'd eaten half of it. The next day, however, the uneaten half beckoned. She cut herself a slice. Then another, and another. By the time she'd polished off the cake, she knew her husband would be disappointed.

"What did he say when he found out?" one club member asked.

"He never found out," she said. "I made another cake and ate half."

- The Joker


Joke: Recovering from the Surgery

A husband was just coming out of anesthesia after having surgery in the hospital, and his faithful wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes started to open and he quietly uttered, "You're beautiful." He soon drifted back to sleep, and after awhile he woke up and said, "You're cute."

"What happened to beautiful?" she asked him.

"The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

- The Joker


Joke: Marriage advantage!

My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.

- The Joker


Joke: Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he as cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters.

They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issues. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught he first denies it all, then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed: Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate?

- The Joker


Joke: The Plan...

One evening, a young woman came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Anthony proposed to me an hour ago." "Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he is an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a Hell." Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

- The Joker


Joke: Darn Speaking Parts!!!

A young lad's father picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part. The boy enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

- The Joker


Joke: On a Transatlantic Flight!

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it.

Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on Earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of relationships in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril and they all stare riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says.

He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time. No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches.

He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

- The Joker


Joke: We need a fourth for poker!

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

- The Joker


Joke: Top 10 Snappy comebacks to "Why aren't you Married yet?"

10. You haven't asked yet.

9. What? And spoil my great sex life?

8. Just lucky, I guess.

7. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

6. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

5. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

4. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

3. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.

2. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

1. Why aren't you thin?

- The Joker


Joke: Favorite flower!

On the first day of our marriage retreat, the instructor talked about the importance of knowing what matters to each other.

"For example," he began, pointing to my husband, David, "do you know your wife's favorite flower?"

David answered, "Pillsbury All Purpose."

- The Joker


Joke: What a Nice Judge!

"Mr. Smith, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce court judge said, "and I've decided to give your wife $275 a week."

"That's very nice, your honour," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks, myself."

- The Joker


Joke: Secret to a happy marriage!

A husband and wife had been married for 60 years and had no secrets except for one: The woman kept in her closet a shoe box that she forbade her husband from ever opening. But when she was on her deathbed - and with her blessing - he opened the box and found a crocheted doll and $95,000 in cash.

"My mother told me that the secret to a happy marriage was to never argue," she explained. "Instead, I should keep quiet and crochet a doll."

Her husband was touched. Only one doll was in the box - that meant she'd been angry with him only once in 60 years. "But what about all this money?" he asked.

"Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the dolls."

- The Joker


Joke: After 12 years in prison!

After 12 years in prison, a man finally breaks out. When he gets home, filthy and exhausted, his wife says, "Where have you been? You escaped eight hours ago!"

- The Joker


Joke: My wife says I never listen to her...

My wife says I never listen to her... or something like that.

- The Joker


Joke: At the beauty parlor!

My friend was at the beauty parlor when she overheard another woman rattle on to the manicurist about the sad state of her marriage. "Things have gotten so bad," she said, "I think I might ask for a divorce. What do you think?"

"That's a serious matter," came the reply. "I think you should consult another manicurist."

- The Joker


Joke: What if...?

The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

- The Joker




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