2017
4 JOKES A DAY
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166 Misc. Jokes

Joke: Pickup artists and garbagemen!

"Pickup artists" and "garbagemen" should switch names.

- The Joker


Joke: I'm sorry...

'I'm sorry' and 'I apologize' generally mean the same thing - except at funerals.

- The Joker


Joke: Lucky 13!

Walking past the big wooden fence around the insane asylum, a guy hears everyone inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!"

His curiosity piqued, he finds a hole in the fence and looks inside. All of a sudden a finger shoots through the hole and pokes out his eye, and the inmates start wildly chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!"

- The Joker


Joke: Boomerang!

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

- The Joker


Joke: A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar...

A Roman legionnaire walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says, "Five beers, please."

- The Joker


Joke: A Few of Life's Unanswered Questions #3!

** Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

** Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

** Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

** Why is the word dictionary in the dictionary?

** Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?

- The Joker


Joke: I used to think the brain was the most important organ...

I used to think the brain was the most important organ. Then I thought, look what's telling me that.

- The Joker


Joke: Dating a hoarder!

I used to date a hoarder, and she broke up with me. That stings extra hard - I'm like the one thing she can get rid of.

- The Joker


Joke: Just looking for a little...!

A man went into a grocery store, got 3 cans of dog food, and walked up to the checkout counter.

The cashier asks the man, "Sir, do you own a dog?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have the dog with you?"

The man replies, "No, I left it at home."

The cashier then says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this dog food unless I see your dog."

A few days later the man walks into the same store, gets 3 cans of cat food, and walks up to the checkout counter. The same cashier asks, "Sir, do you own a cat?"

The man replies, "Yes I do."

The cashier then asks, "Do you have your cat with you?"

And the man replies, "No, I left it at home."

Then the cashier says, "I'm sorry, but I can't sell you this cat food unless I see your cat."

A few days later the man walks into the store, this time carrying a paper bag. He walks up to the same cashier, and asks him to put his hand into the bag.

The cashier says, "It feels warm, soft, and gooey."

The man then says, "Now, can I go back and get 3 rolls of toilet paper?"

- The Joker


Joke: Playboy Yachts 4 ALL!!!

Irv and Sol, are walking down the street when Sol turns to Irv and says, "Irv, if you had two of those top-of-the-line Mercedes Benz cars, with all the gear, electric windows, CD player and all of that, exactly the same, would you give me one?"

Irv says, "Sol, how long do we go back? Thirty years? We've been best friends since school, and if I had two of those Mercedes, top-of-the-line cars with all the trimmings, exactly the same, yeah, I would give the other one to you."

So, they keep walking. After a couple of minutes, Irv turns to Sol and says, "Sol, if you had two of those luxury, playboy-type yachts, you know, with all the modern conveniences, and they were exactly the same, would you give one of them to me?"

Sol says, "Irv, you and me are like brothers, you were best man at my wedding, you attended my son's Bar Mitzvah, we have gone to the same shul together for all these years. If I had two of those luxury playboy yachts, exactly the same with all the modern conveniences, then yeah Irv, I really would give the other one to you."

They keep walking. A couple of minutes later, Sol turns to Irv, "Irv, if you had two chickens..."

"Now hold on there! Sol, you KNOW I've got two Chickens!"

- The Joker


Joke: Believe It Or Not #2!!!

DEADHEADS A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

THIS WOULD BE ME The judge called the case of People vs. Steven Lewon Crook. The bailiff opened the door to the holding cell and called, "Crook, come forward." Five of the prisoners entered the courtroom.

LEARN YOUR LESSON When asked for her occupation, a woman charged with a traffic violation said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court," he smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not pass through a red light' five hundred times."

AHH, THAT'S BETTER! A judge in Louisville decided a jury went "a little bit too far" in recommending a sentence of 5,005 years for a man who was convicted of five robberies and a kidnapping. The judge reduced the sentence to 1,001 years.

OOPS! I BLEW THAT ONE! A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

- The Joker


Joke: Airplane Games!

" A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The Programmer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains 'I ask you a question , and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.' Again, the Engineer politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says 'OK, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50!'This catches the Engineer's complete attention, and he sees no end to this torment unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The Programmer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from the earth to the moon?' The Engineer doesn't say a word, reaches in to his wallet, pull out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the Programmer. Now, it's the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer: 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?' The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep. The Programmer, more that a little miffed, shakes the Engineer and asks, 'Well, so what IS the answer?' Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands the Programmer $5 and goes back to sleep."

- The Joker


Joke: I wish people would make up their minds...

I wish people would make up their minds. Every time I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

- The Joker


Joke: A Navigational Error!!!

One night the captain of a tanker saw a light dead ahead. He directed his signalman to flash a signal to the light which read.....

'Change course 10 degrees South.'

The reply was quickly flashed back...

'You change course 10 degrees North.'

The captain was a little annoyed at this reply and sent a further message.....

'I am a captain. Change course 10 degrees South.'

Back came the reply.... 'I am an able-seaman. Change course 10 degrees North.'

The captain was outraged at this reply and send a message....

'I am a 240,000 tonne tanker. CHANGE course 10 degrees South!'

Back came the reply.......

'I am a LIGHTHOUSE. Change course 10 degrees North!!!!'

- The Joker


Joke: Son-in-Law!

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just make you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

- The Joker


Joke: Playing with Grandpa!

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, "Grandpa, please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No."

The little boy goes on, "Please .. please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "No, now go play."

The little boy then says to his sister, "Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise." So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, "Please make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "I just told your brother no and I'm telling you no."

The little girl says, "Please .. please Grandpa make a frog noise."

The Grandpa says, "Why do you want me to make a frog noise?"

The little girl replied, "Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney world!"

- The Joker


Joke: Bumper Stickers #1!!!!

"Out of my mind. Back in five minutes."

"Cover me. I'm changing lanes."

"Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

"It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

- The Joker


Joke: I took an IQ test...

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

- The Joker


Joke: 15 Funny Bumper Stickers

15- Boldly going nowhere.

14- Heart Attacks... God's revenge for eating his animal friends.

13- How many roads must a man travel down before he admits he is lost?

12- CATS -- The other white meat.

11- Don't be sexist -- broads hate that.

10- I'm an imbecile and I vote.

9- Money Isn't Everything... But it sure keeps the kids in touch.

8- WARNING! Driver only carries $20.00 in ammunition.

7- You're just jealous because the voices are talking to me, not you!

6- Don't piss me off! I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.

5- Save Your Breath...you'll need it to blow up your date!

4- Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

3- Grow your own dope, plant a man.

2- All men are animals, some just make better pets.

1- WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

- The Joker


Joke: You're not completely useless!

You're not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.

- The Joker


Joke: I'm addicted to brake fluid!

I'm addicted to brake fluid but I can stop whenever I want.

- The Joker


Joke: The smell of books!

If people say they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and ask, To be clear, do you know how reading works?

- The Joker


Joke: Independence Day!

Why is there so much pressure to spend Independence Day with other people?

- The Joker


Joke: You'll never be as lazy as...

You'll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.

- The Joker


Joke: How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away #1

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.

3. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

- The Joker


Joke: Palindromes #1!!!

Madam, I'm Adam.

Live not on evil.

Was it a car or a cat I saw?

Evil I did dwell, lewd did I live.

Reviled did I live, said I, as evil I did deliver.

Do not start at rats to nod.

Pull up if I pull up.

Some men interpret nine memos.

No misses ordered roses, Simon.

Niagara, o roar again.

- The Joker


Joke: Give me ambiguity!

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

- The Joker


Joke: Top Seven Signs You Are On A Bad Cruise!!!

7. Your entire cruise is spent in Nebraska.

6. The captain frequently comes below decks to ask if anyone wants to share a kegger with him and the crew.

5. Shore excursions include scuba diving in New York's glorious East River.

4. "Welcome to the dinner show. I'm Chris, your featured ventriloquist. Unfortunately, my dummy is a mute, but he is learning sign language, so if you'll bear with me here..."

3. That unexpected supply stop in Columbia for 2 tonnes of "icing sugar"

2. Dinner the first night: Dolphin Baby Surprise

1. The medical officer assures you the boat is "87% SARS-free".

- The Joker


Joke: Hotel minibar!

A hotel minibar allows you to see into the future and find out what a can of Pepsi will cost in 2020.

- The Joker


Joke: Charity work!

A devastated-looking man knocks on the door of a woman known for her charity.

"Please, ma'am," he says when she opens up, "can you help this poor, tragic family down the block? The father just lost his job, and his wife is too ill to work. They're about to be turned out into the cold streets unless someone can pay their rent."

"That's the worst thing I've ever heard in my life!" says the woman. "May I ask who you are?"

"Their landlord."

- The Joker


Joke: Drug Dealer Shoes!

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer, I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.

- The Joker


Joke: Light travels faster than sound!

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

- The Joker


Joke: Bumper Stickers #2!!!!

"Where there's a will, I want to be in it!"

"Wink, I'll do the rest!"

"Time is the best teacher; unfortunately it kills all its students!"

"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

"Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

"Forget about World Peace -Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!"

- The Joker


Joke: Open Mind

Used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

- The Joker


Joke: Gift certificates?

I've never understood the concept of the gift certificate, because for the same 50 bucks, my friend could've gotten me 50 bucks.

- The Joker


Joke: Country Boys Go Ice Fishing!!!

Once Earl and Clyde decided to go ice fishing. They were on the ice, chopping away to make a hole to the water, when a voice echoed out of the air and reverberated, "THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE."

They were mystified, but decided the voice from the heavens must know what it was talking about, so they moved on to another spot in the ice where they proceeded to start chopping again. And again the voice echoed down from the heavens saying..."THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE!"

Earl and Clyde were getting quite disturbed by now, but not to be dissuaded, they moved to yet a third spot and begin chopping again. Again the voice thundered down, and a bit angry sounding this time.... "THERE ARE NO FISH IN THAT HOLE EITHER!"

In frustration, Earl lifted his eyes upward and yelled, "IS THAT YOU, GOD?"

His inquiry was immediately answered, "NO, I'M THE MANAGER OF THE ICE SKATING RINK."

- The Joker


Joke: How does the ocean say hello?

How does the ocean say hello? It waves.

- The Joker


Joke: Denial!

There's no "I" in denial.

- The Joker


Joke: Working in a mirror factory!

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

- The Joker


Joke: Sleeping Beauty!!!

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired traveler assured him. "I'll take it." The next morning John, came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. The manager inquired about how he felt. "Never better," John replied.

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope. I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," John said. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek and said, 'Goodnight, beautiful.' With that he sat up all night watching me."

- The Joker


Joke: Laughing with my girlfriend!

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

- The Joker


Joke: Periscope Vision!

A blind man walks in to a department store with his seeing eye dog on a leash.

As usual the store manager behind the customer service counter looks up, notices the customer is blind, and not wanting to stare quickly looks away again.

Out of the corner of his eye the manager sees the blind man start swinging the dog over his head with its leash.

Shocked, the manager runs over and says "Mister is there a problem - is there anything I can help you with?"

The blind man calmly replies "No thanks - I'm just looking around."

- The Joker


Joke: The flight attendant keeps saying...

The flight attendant keeps saying "Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don't have flight attendants."

- The Joker


Joke: Someone stole my mood ring!

Someone stole my mood ring. I don't know how I feel about that.

- The Joker


Joke: I used to think I was indecisive...

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not too sure.

- The Joker


Joke: You don't need a parachute to go skydiving!

You don't need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.

- The Joker


Joke: Three drunks in a taxi!

Three drunks get into a taxi and tell the driver where to go. The driver has an idea of the address so he starts the engine, waits a few seconds and turns off the car. He says, "Alright guys we're here!"

The first drunk tips him $10 and gets out.

The second drunk tips him $20 and gets out.

The third drunk then slaps the driver across the face.

Worried that the drunk had realized the car hadn't moved an inch, he asks the drunk, "What was that for?"

The drunk says, "Control your speed next time. You almost killed us!"

- The Joker


Joke: The Strong Man's Secret!!!

My grandfather worked in a blacksmith shop when he was a boy, and he used to tell me how he had toughened himself up so he could stand the rigors of blacksmithing.

He said he would stand outside behind the house and, with a 5-pound potato sack in each hand, extend his arms straight out to his sides and hold them there as long as he could.

After a while he tried 10-pound potato sacks, then 50-pound potato sacks and finally he got to where he could lift a 100-pound potato sack in each hand and hold his arms straight out for more than a full minute!

Eventually, he even started putting potatoes in the sacks.

- The Joker


Joke: Dining at a fine restaurant in Paris!

A couple of tourists were dining at a fine restaurant in Paris. After waiting for an hour, the husband finally was able to catch the waiter's eye. "I want a bottle of your best wine," he ordered.

"What year?" asked the waiter.

"Right now!" bellowed the tourist.

- The Joker


Joke: The past, present, and future...

The past, present, and future all walk into a bar at the same time. It was tense.

- The Joker


Joke: A bank is a place that will lend you money...

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

- The Joker


Joke: Computer Problems x2??? !!!

Just some more stupid people to give you a good feeling!:

** A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer." The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer-but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

** An exasperated caller to Dell couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

** Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, "What power switch?"

** Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn't even fit it in..." The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1 first.

** In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for installing software. The instructions said to remove the disk from its cover and insert into the drive. The user had physically removed the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.

** A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

- The Joker


Joke: Shin Definition!

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

- The Joker


Joke: The gene pool...

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

- The Joker


Joke: Camping Tips!

Take this simple test to see if you qualify for solo camping. Shine a flashlight into one ear. If the beam shines out the other ear, do not go into the woods alone.

A two-man pup tent does not include two men or a pup.

A potato baked in the coals for three hours makes an excellent hockey puck.

You can start a fire without matches by eating Mexican food, then breathing on a pile of dry sticks.

In emergency situations, you can survive in the wilderness by shooting small game with a slingshot made from the elastic waistband of your underwear.

The guitar of the noisy teenager at the next campsite makes excellent kindling.

The sight of a bald eagle has thrilled campers for generations. The sight of a bald man, however, does absolutely nothing for the eagle.

It's entirely possible to spend your whole vacation on a winding mountain road behind a large motor home.

Effective January 1, 2001, you will actually have to enlist in the Swiss Army to get a Swiss Army Knife.

In an emergency, a drawstring from a parka hood can be used to strangle a snoring tent mate.

- The Joker


Joke: THE FORCE!!!

Duct tape is like the force: It has a dark side, a light side, and it holds the universe together.

- The Joker


Joke: How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away #3

1. Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

2. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

3. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"

4. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

- The Joker


Joke: Fast Food Job Application

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a fast-food establishment........

NAME: Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION: Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearinghouse Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: Only when set on fire.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: No, but I dare you to prove otherwise.

SIGN HERE: Scorpio with Libra rising.

- The Joker


Joke: Palindromes #4!!!

Lepers repel

Live dirt up a side track carted is a putrid evil

Live evil

Ma is a nun, as I am

Madam, in Eden I'm Adam

May a moody baby doom a yam?

Murder for a jar of red rum

Never odd or even

No misses ordered roses, Simon

Paget saw an Irish tooth, Sir, in a waste gap

- The Joker


Joke: Red, white, and blue!

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom until they are flashing behind you.

- The Joker


Joke: Just Random #2!

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

I don't have anything but I'll give you half

COLE'S LAW: Thinly sliced cabbage

Editing is a rewording activity

My reality check just bounced

Rap is to music what Etch-a-Sketch is to art

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

No sense being pessimistic, it probably wouldn't work anyway

- The Joker


Joke: It takes a big man to cry...

It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

- The Joker


Joke: How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away #2

1. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

2. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

3. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

- The Joker


Joke: Always remember you're unique!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

- The Joker


Joke: Unintentional Dismount!!!

An Antartian decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the Antartian begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly oblivious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, she leaps away from the horse to try and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground again and again. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when...Stan the Walmart manager runs out to shut the horse off.

- The Joker


Joke: Nerds versus jocks

An answer to the eternal question "Is it better to be a jock or a nerd?"

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game: $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming $40 million in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see a movie, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike).

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 hours.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will have hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st.

If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He'll make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined. Amazing isn't it?

But:

Jordan will have to save 100% of his income for 270 years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.

Nerds win!

- The Joker


Joke: How do you know a red neck invented the toothbrush?

How do you know a red neck invented the toothbrush? Because anyone else would have called it a "teethbrush".

- The Joker


Joke: I wish I was rich!

Genie: What's your first wish.

Steve: I wish I was rich.

Genie: What's your second wish.

Rich: I want lots of money.

- The Joker


Joke: Corduroy pillows!

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

- The Joker


Joke: Wild West Conflicts!

I think a lot of the conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.

- The Joker


Joke: Why did Latvian cross road?

Why did Latvian cross road?
Is joke. No road in Latvia.

- The Joker


Joke: My girlfriend's ex!

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

- The Joker


Joke: Pirate Eye!!!

An aging pirate of the high seas was talking with a mate one day about his pending retirement. "You ought to be compensated for your peg leg, hook for a hand and the patch on your eye," said the mate. "You might want to check it out before retiring."

So the pirate went to the compensation board to see for himself.

"How did you lose your leg?" asked the clerk behind the counter.

"Well me and my maties was sailing the high seas one day when the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me leg." Replied the pirate.

"OK", said the clerk, "How did you lose your hand?"

"Well me and my maties were sailing the high seas one day and the boom swang around and knocked me into the water and a shark got me hand."

The clerk wrote down his response again, looked up, noticing the patch on his eye asked, "Is that how you lost your eye?

"Oh no, said the pirate, One day me and the maties were sailing the high seas and a sea gull landed on the boom. I looked up and it shit in me eye."

"You don't loose an eye that way!" scoffed the clerk.

"But it was the first day with me new hook!" the pirate cried.

- The Joker


Joke: Wet Blankets Through History #1!!!

*** This 'telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is inherently of no value to us." Western Union internal memo, 1876.

*** "The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?" David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s.

*** "The concept is interesting and well-formed, but in order to earn better than a "C," the idea must be feasible." A Yale University management professor in response to Fred Smith's paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service. Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.

*** "Who the hell wants to hear actors talk?" H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

*** "Im just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and not Gary Cooper." Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in "Gone With The Wind."

*** "A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make." Response to Debbi Fields' idea of starting Mrs. Fields' Cookies.

*** "We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out." Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962.

***"Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible." Lord Kelvin, president, Royal Society, 1895.

*** "So we went to Atari and said, 'Hey, we've got this amazing thing, even built with some of your parts, and what do you think about funding us? Or we'll give it to you. We just want to do it. Pay our salary, we'll come work for you.' And they said, 'No.' So then we went to Hewlett-Packard, and they said, 'Hey, we don't need you. You haven't even got through college yet.'" Apple Computer Inc. founder Steve Jobs on attempts to get Atari and H-P interested in his and Steve Wozniak's personal computer.

- The Joker


Joke: Trids' Tale!!!

Once upon a time there was a village up in the mountains. And in this village lived the Tibet Refugees Isolated from Danger, or TRIDs. Now, the TRIDs of this village had a problem. There was a giant who lived further up the mountain. Every day at noon, he came down to the village, walked up to a house and knocked on the door. Whoever answered would get kicked. This went on for many years and finally they asked the Rabbi from a nearby town to talk to the giant. As the Rabbi is going up the mountain the giant appears, but for some reason the Rabbi isn't kicked. The Rabbi asked the giant why he didn't kick him and the giant replied, "Silly Rabbi kicks are for TRIDS!"

- The Joker


Joke: A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar...

A millionaire, a hard hat, and a drunk are at a bar. When they get their beers, they notice a fly in each mug. The millionaire politely asks the bartender for another beer, then proceeds to sip it. The hard hat spills out just enough to get rid of the fly and quaffs the rest. It's now the drunk's turn. He sticks his hand into the beer, grabs the fly by the wings, and shouts, "Spit it out! Spit it out!"

- The Joker


Joke: General Failure

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

- The Joker


Joke: Movie Fun!

Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.

"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."

"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg. "Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.

"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.

"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.

- The Joker


Joke: The Lottery...

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

- The Joker


Joke: Consciousness!

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

- The Joker


Joke: Palindromes #5!!!

Rats drown in WordStar

Rats live on no evil star

Red rum, sir, is murder

Rise to vote, sir

Satan oscillate my metallic sonatas

Sit on a potato pan Otis!

Step on no pets

Straw no too stupid I put soot on warts

Straw? No, too stupid a fad; I put soot on warts

Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus

Was it a rat I saw?

"Yreka Bakery"

- The Joker


Joke: Some people say that I am condescending...

Some people say that I am condescending. That means that I talk down to people.

- The Joker


Joke: 10 Funny Bumper Stickers

10- BEER: It's not just for breakfast anymore.

9- I need someone really bad... are you really bad?

8- Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

7- All men are idiots... I married their King.

6- The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.

5- IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

4- Out of my mind... back in five minutes.

3- Where there's a will... I want to be in it.

2- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

1- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

- The Joker


Joke: How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

How many Germans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One. They're efficient and not very funny.

- The Joker


Joke: Stepladder...

I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

- The Joker


Joke: If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive...

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.

- The Joker


Joke: Reality check!

Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?

- The Joker


Joke: The Philosophy of Beer!!!

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him.

When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about 2" in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full.

They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else.

"Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things - your family, your partner, your health, your children - things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car. The sand is everything else, the small stuff.

"If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."

But then a student then took the jar, which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full.

The moral of this tale is: no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

- The Joker


Joke: Happy old Man!!!

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!"

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

He thought for a moment, and replied, "Twenty-six."

- The Joker


Joke: Sticks and stones may break my bones...

Who says sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me? A guy who has never been hit with a dictionary.

- The Joker


Joke: Women only call me ugly until...

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

- The Joker


Joke: A Few of Life's Unanswered Questions #4!

** Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

** You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes?

** Why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

** Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

** Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

- The Joker


Joke: What did the pirate say when he turned 80?

What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.

- The Joker


Joke: Why do they put fences around graveyards?

Why do they put fences around graveyards? Because people are dying to get in.

- The Joker


Joke: I hate Russian dolls!

I hate Russian dolls...so full of themselves

- The Joker


Joke: Lovers' names carved in a tree!

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

- The Joker


Joke: How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb? It's some obscure number, you've probably never heard of it.

- The Joker


Joke: Photographic memory!

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

- The Joker


Joke: A clear conscience...

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

- The Joker


Joke: Computer Problems??? !!!

Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin'" yet:

** Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

** AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

** Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with photocopies of the floppies.

** A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

** Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

** Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

** Still another Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer told him he was "bad and an invalid." The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

- The Joker


Joke: Best way to relax!

Do people who say "Exercise helps me relax" know about not exercising?

- The Joker


Joke: Believe It Or Not #1!!!

LICENSE TO STEAL Two Kentucky men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off the truck. They panicked and fled, leaving the chain still attached to the machine, their bumper still attached to the chain, and their license plate still attached to the bumper.

IN THE BAG A "tourist," supposedly on a golf holiday, stood in line at the customs counter. While making idle chatter, the customs official thought it odd that the golfer didn't know what a handicap was. The officer then asked the tourist to demonstrate his swing. He did - backwards. A substantial amount of narcotics was found in the golf bag.

MADE FOR TV Guns For Hire, an Arizona company specializing in staged gunfights for Western movies, got a call from a 47-year-old woman who wanted to have her husband shot. She was sentenced to four years in jail.

DO YOU ACCEPT CREDIT CARDS? A Texan convicted of robbery worked out a deal to pay $9600 in damages rather than serve a two-year prison sentence. For payment, he provided the court a forged check. He got his prison term back, plus eight more years.

YOU MEAN ME? A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

- The Joker


Joke: How you make money...

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.

The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932.

The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.

"I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.

"The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the boy asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

- The Joker


Joke: Been reading up on the thesaurus lately!

Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

- The Joker


Joke: They all laughed when...

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

- The Joker


Joke: Bifocals!

Bifocals are God's way of saying, "Keep your chin up."

- The Joker


Joke: Ok? - Three of the many stupid things said by Famous People!

Wish -- To end all the killing in the world / Hobbies -- Hunting and fishing From personal statistics of California Angel Bryan Harvey, flashed on the scoreboard at Anaheim Stadium

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing." Baseball great Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia, it's only the people who make them unsafe." Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia

- The Joker


Joke: How to Make a Telemarketer Go Away #4

1. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.

Example:

Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."

You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?"

Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."

You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

2. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)

- The Joker


Joke: Watch out for the VIRUS!!!

*AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting with them as your phone company.

*MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

*Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack--once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

*Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

*Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

*Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

*PBS (Public Broadcasting TV) Virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

*Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

*Nike Virus: Just does it.

*Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

*Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4500.00.

*Los Angeles Police Department Virus: It claims it feels threatened by other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense."

*Richard Nixon Virus: Says, "I am not a virus!"

*Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

*Airline Virus: You're in Chicago, but your data is in Singapore.

Use your virus scan soon...don't let any of these viruses happen to your PC!

- The Joker


Joke: How did the hipster burn his hand?

How did the hipster burn his hand? He changed the lightbulb before it was cool.

- The Joker


Joke: A string walks into a bar...

A string walks into a bar. The bartender yells, "Hey, we don't serve your kind here!" The string walks outside, ties himself into a loop, and walks back in.

The bartender says: "Hey! Aren't you that string I just kicked out of here?" The string replies: "No. I'm a frayed knot."

- The Joker


Joke: Wet Blankets Through History #2!!!

*** "I think there's a world market for about five computers." Thomas J Watson, Chairman of the Board, IBM.

*** "Professor Goddard does not know the relation between action and reaction and the need to have something better than a vacuum against which to react. He seems to lack the basic knowledge ladled out daily in high schools." 1921 New York Times editorial about Robert Goddard's revolutionary rocket work.

*** "Drill for oil? You mean drill into the ground to try and find oil? You're crazy." Drillers who Edwin L. Drake tried to enlist to his project to drill for oil in 1859.

*** "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project.

*** "This fellow Charles Lindbergh will never make it. He's doomed." Harry Guggenheim, millionaire aviation enthusiast.

*** "Stocks have reached what looks like a permanently high plateau." Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929.

*** "Airplanes are interesting toys but of no military value." Marechal Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.

*** "Man will never reach the moon regardless of all future scientific advances." Dr. Lee De Forest, inventor of the vacuum tube and father of television.

*** "Everything that can be invented has been invented." Charles H. Duell, Commissioner, U.S. Office of Patents, 1899.

- The Joker


Joke: Blackjack table!

When he blew a wad of money at my blackjack table in the casino, a customer stood up and yelled, "How do you lose $200 at a $2 table?!" Before I could speak, another customer replied, "Patience."

- The Joker


Joke: Alarmist to the extreme!!!

A freshman at Eagle Rock Junior High won first prize at the Greater Idaho Falls Science Fair, April 26. He was attempting to show how conditioned we have become to the alarmists practicing junk science and spreading fear of everything in our environment. In his project he urged people to sign a petition demanding strict control or total elimination of the chemical "dihydrogen monoxide" And for plenty of good reasons, since it can:

1. cause excessive sweating and vomiting
2. it is a major component in acid rain
3. it can cause severe burns in its gaseous state
4. accidental inhalation can kill you
5. it contributes to erosion
6. it decreases effectiveness of automobile brakes
7. it has been found in tumors of terminal cancer patients

He asked 50 people if they supported a ban of the chemical dihydrogenmonoxide. Forty-three said yes, six were undecided, and only one knew that the chemical was water.

- The Joker


Joke: Advice for Yankees Moving South #1!

1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.

2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.

3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.

4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.

5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.

- The Joker


Joke: Fat joke!

I'm not saying she's fat. But if I had to name 5 of the fattest people I know, she'd be three of them.

- The Joker


Joke: A man walks into a bar...

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused but gives him another beer.

This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused and asks the man, "When are you going to pay for these beers?"

The man answers, "Now the problems start!"

- The Joker


Joke: Brake Repair

Couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

- The Joker


Joke: Super Granny Defender of Justice!

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice, "I have a gun and I know how to use it! Get out of the car, you scum bags!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation, but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady, somewhat shaken, proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried and then it dawned on her why. A few minutes later she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale white males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman described as white, less than 5' tall, glasses, and curly white hair carrying a large handgun.

No charges were filed.

- The Joker


Joke: Velcro...

Velcro, what a rip off.

- The Joker


Joke: Psychokinesis

All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.

- The Joker


Joke: The Talking Clock!!!

While proudly showing off his new fraternity house to friends, a college student led the way into the den. "What is the big brass gong and hammer for?" one of his friends asked.

"That's the talking clock", the man replied, with a grin. "Let me show you how it works!" And with that, he gave the gong an ear-shattering pound with the hammer.

Suddenly someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "KNOCK IT OFF, YOU MORONS! IT'S 2 AM!"

- The Joker


Joke: Bumper Stickers #3!!!!

"Warning: Dates in calendar are closer than they appear."

"Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

"He who laughs last thinks slowest."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

"Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy."

- The Joker


Joke: One in a million!

China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you're a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

- The Joker


Joke: My girlfriend!

My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight. She needs to lighten up.

- The Joker


Joke: Sometimes I wake up grumpy..

Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep.

- The Joker


Joke: Clif bars!

Clif Bars answer the question "What if it wasn't frowned upon to eat an entire sleeve of mushed-up oatmeal cookies before noon?"

- The Joker


Joke: Short Sleeves!

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bear arms.

- The Joker


Joke: Star Wars Episode Order!

Why did Star Wars episodes 4, 5 and 6 come before 1, 2 and 3?

Because in charge of scheduling, Yoda was.

- The Joker


Joke: Living in North Korea!

I asked my North Korean friend how it was to live in North Korea. He said he can't complain.

- The Joker


Joke: What Hallmark doesn't Print #2!

Support your local undertaker...drop dead!

- The Joker


Joke: I want to die peacefully in my sleep...

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

- The Joker


Joke: I bought a ceiling fan the other day...

I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying "Ooh, I love how smooth it is."

- The Joker


Joke: Palindromes #3!!!

Doc, note I dissent. A fast never prevents a fatness. I diet on cod

Drat Saddam mad dastard

Egad! A base tone denotes a bad age

Eros' sis is sore

Eros? Sidney, my end is sore!

evil i did dwell, lewd did i live

Go deliver a dare, vile dog

God lived as a devil dog

He goddam mad dog, eh?

He won't, ah, wander, Edna. What now, eh?

- The Joker


Joke: How batteries feel...

I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

- The Joker


Joke: What Hallmark doesn't Print!

"You're depriving some poor village of its idiot"

- The Joker


Joke: Advice for Yankees Moving South #2!

1. Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"

2. Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.

3. Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.

4. If you are yelling at the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for the vehicle.

5. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" Stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.

- The Joker


Joke: Roman numerals!

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

- The Joker


Joke: Losing streak at the racetrack!

To get his mind off his losing streak at the racetrack, I took my friend horseback riding. Being a novice, he freaked when his mount took off.

"How do I stop?" he yelled.

"Bet on it!" I hollered back.

- The Joker


Joke: You know what they say about cliffhangers...

You know what they say about cliffhangers...

- The Joker


Joke: Palindromes #2!!!

Yawn a more Roman way.

Lew, Otto has a hot towel!

Not New York, Roy went on.

Sums are not set as a test on Erasmus.

A Fool, A Tool, A Pool; LOOPALOOTALOOFA!

A man, a plan, a canal - Panama!

Able was I ere I saw Elba -- Napoleon before he met his Waterloo

Dennis and Edna sinned

Dennis sinned

Did I draw Della too tall, Edward? I did?

- The Joker


Joke: Smart Murderer!!!

Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"

Defendant: "No, I did not."

P: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?"

D: "Yes, I do. And they`re a heck of a lot better than the penalties for murder."

- The Joker


Joke: Living within your income!

I was in small-claims court when I listened in on the case of a woman who held a good job but still had trouble paying her bills on time. "Can't you live within your income?" asked the judge.

"No, Your Honor," she said. "It's all I can do to live within my credit."

- The Joker


Joke: Those Amateurs!

Don't be afraid to try something new. Remember: Amateurs made the ark. Professionals made the Titanic.

- The Joker


Joke: I tried to catch fog yesterday!

I tried to catch fog yesterday, Mist.

- The Joker


Joke: I came up with a new word yesterday!

I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism.

- The Joker


Joke: That's One Wise Indian!!!

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day a wise Indian Elder went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained. A week later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm. "This Indian is incredible," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather for the remaining of the shoot. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian didn't show up for a week. Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow," said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The Indian shrugged his shoulders. "Don't know," he said. "My radio is broken."

- The Joker


Joke: A Few of Life's Unanswered Questions #1!

** Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

** Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

** Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?

** Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?

** Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

** Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?

- The Joker


Joke: Getting Rid of Telemarketers!!!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.

3. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second."(few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,"Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my God! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

6. Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"

8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out? Any kind of blood...?"

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my God!!!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers).If the person says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya! Now you know how I feel! smiling of course... [If nothing else, just thinking of this list the next time one calls you, you may begin to laugh out loud, which is sure to upset their concentration.]

- The Joker


Joke: People care about you!

If you think nobody cares whether you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

- The Joker


Joke: A Few of Life's Unanswered Questions #2!

** Why is a boxing ring square?

** Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

** Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

** Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?

** Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

** Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?

- The Joker


Joke: Drawing her eyebrows too high!

I told my girlfriend that it looked like she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.

- The Joker


Joke: Scottish accents!

I was at the bar the other night and overheard three very hefty women talking at the bar. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello, are you three lassies from Scotland?"

One of them angrily screeched, "It's Wales, Wales you bloody idiot!" So I apologized and replied, "I am so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

- The Joker


Joke: I wish my first words were quote...

I wish my first words were quote, so right before I die I can say un-quote.

- The Joker


Joke: Freelance newspaper writer!

Freelance newspaper writers don't get nearly as much attention as writers with regular bylines. So I was delighted when I finally got some notice. It was at the bank, and I was depositing a stack of checks.

"Wow," said the teller, reading off the names of publishers from the tops of the checks. "You must deliver a lot of papers."

- The Joker


Joke: Just Random #1!

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure

Dyslexics have more fnu

Clones are people, two

Ground Beef: A Cow With No Legs

186,000 miles/sec: Not just a good idea, it's the LAW!

A mouse is just an elephant built by the Japanese

A waist is a terrible thing to mind

Anything free is worth what you pay for it

- The Joker


Joke: Bumper Stickers #4!!!

"i souport publik edekasion"

"We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

"Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home."

"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

"Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

"Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!' until you can find a rock."

- The Joker


Joke: Fax Fun!

Three men are sitting naked in the sauna. Suddenly there is a beeping sound.

The first man presses his forearm and the beeping stops. The others look at him curiously. "That's my pager," he says. "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rings.

The second man lifts his palm to his ear. When he finishes he explains, "That's my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The third man, feeling decidedly low-tech, steps out of the sauna. In a few minutes he returns with a piece of toilet paper extending from his rear. The others raise their eyebrows.

"I'm getting a Fax," he explains.

- The Joker


Joke: Writing in fifth person!

I'm writing my book in fifth person, so every sentence starts out with: "I heard from this guy who told somebody..."

- The Joker


Joke: If anything ever happens to me...

My girlfriend said to me the other day, "If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new."

Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn't count as "anything."

- The Joker


Joke: Just a Jog!!!

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a footrace down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one. As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped immediately and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I saw two gas man running as hard as you two were, I figured I'd better run too!"

- The Joker


Joke: USPS Tracking!

USPS Tracking: 1) Package has left facility 2) We have no idea 3) Package delivered

- The Joker


Joke: Build a man a fire!

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

- The Joker


Joke: It's hard to explain puns...

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

- The Joker


Joke: Personal check identification!

I requested identification from a department-store customer who had just written a personal check for her purchase. After fumbling through her purse, she presented me with what she said was the only thing that bore both her name and address.

It was a notice of insufficient funds from her bank.

- The Joker


Joke: Bumper Stickers to Relate To!

If You Can Read This, I Can Slam On My Brakes And Sue You

1,000,000 Sperm And YOU Were The Fastest??

Jesus Loves You, The Rest Of Us Think You're An Idiot.

Forget World Peace -- Visualize Turning Off Your Turn Signal!

HANG UP AND DRIVE!

Ever Stop To Think, And Forget To Start Again?

I Have The Body Of A God .......... Buddha

This Would Be Really Funny If It Weren't Happening To Me

If We Quit Voting Will They All Go Away?

This Bumper Sticker Exploits Illiterates

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway

Honk If Anything Falls Off

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost, But Miles From The Next Exit

I Haven't Lost My Mind - It's Backed Up On Disk Somewhere

- The Joker




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