2017
4 JOKES A DAY
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51 Animal Jokes

Joke: Scared Stiff... !!!

Jimmy received a parrot for Christmas. The parrot was fully grown, with a very bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive; those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude. Jimmy tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got madder and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet.

Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior". Jimmy was astounded at the change in the bird's attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

- The Joker


Joke: The Parrot!

A lady was walking down the street to work and she saw a parrot on a perch in front of a pet store.

The parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious!

She stormed past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot and it said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly ticked now.

The next day the same parrot again said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager replied profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store that day after work the parrot called to her, "Hey lady."

She paused and said,"Yes?"

The bird said, "You know."

- The Joker


Joke: I'd hate to be a giraffe...

I'd hate to be a giraffe with a sore throat.

- The Joker


Joke: What do you call a dog with no legs?

What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn't matter, it's not going to come anyway.

- The Joker


Joke: Homeless guy's dog...

I feel bad for the homeless guy, but I feel really bad for the homeless guy's dog, because he must be thinking 'Man, this is the longest walk ever.'

- The Joker


Joke: Hypnotizing the Shark!

A hypnotist was visiting the aquarium during feeding time. "You know," the hypnotist said to the man feeding the fierce shark, "I could hypnotize that shark."

"You're crazy! He'll rip you limb from limb," the feeder said, laughing. "But, hey, if you're so brave, be my guest."

The hypnotist jumped in, swam to the shark and stared it in the eye for a full minute. The animal paused, blinked, and then tore into him. The bleeding man slowly made his way out of the tank.

"I thought you could hypnotize him," sneered the feeder.

"I did," the hypnotist said, holding his arm. "Now he thinks he's an alligator."

- The Joker


Joke: Racing snail!

I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.

- The Joker


Joke: Lucky Frog!!!

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, especially after all that the frog has done for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl. "And that, Hilary, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God. Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

- The Joker


Joke: Clarence The Parrot!

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes," said the parrot.

The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"

"Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiler Jesus."

- The Joker


Joke: Two flies!

Two flies are sitting on a pile of dog poop. One suggests to the other: "Do you want to hear a really good joke?"

The other fly replies: "But nothing disgusting like last time, I'm trying to eat here!"

- The Joker


Joke: Heart of a lion!

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

- The Joker


Joke: Noah's Ark...

About 4,000 years ago:

God: I shall create a great plague and every living thing on Earth will die!

Fish: *Winks at God and slips him a $20 note*

God: Correction, I shall create a great flood!

- The Joker


Joke: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.

- The Joker


Joke: Signs Your Cat Is Too Fat

* Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

* Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.

* Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.

* No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

* Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.

* It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

* Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.

* He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

* Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

* Has more chins than lives.

- The Joker


Joke: A frog calls a psychic

Recently, the Psychic Hotline and Psychic Friends Network have launched hotlines for frogs. Here is the story of one frog and his discussing with his psychic.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you."

The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"

"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class."

- The Joker


Joke: Snake in the bar!

A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says, "Sorry, buddy. I can't serve you."

"Why not?" the snake asks.

"Because you can't hold your liquor."

- The Joker


Joke: Testing your dog's IQ!

A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog's IQ. Here's how it works: If you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.

- Jay Leno

- The Joker


Joke: I named my dog "Wifi!"

I named my dog "Wifi."

Because I stole it from my neighbor.

- The Joker


Joke: Killing and Eating a Bald Eagle!

Lost in the woods, a hiker spends two days wandering around with no food. Finally, he spots a bald eagle, hits the bird with a big rock and eats it. A park ranger stumbles on the scene and arrests the man for killing an endangered species. In court, the hiker explains that he was on the edge of starvation and had no choice.

"Considering the circumstances, I find you not guilty," says the judge. "But I have to ask - what did the eagle taste like?"

"Well, Your Honor," the hiker replies, "it tasted like a cross between a whooping crane and a spotted owl."

- The Joker


Joke: Centipede Friend!

Steve, a lonely bachelor, wants some company, so he buys a centipede and a small box for it to live in. That evening, he decides to go out.

"Want to grab a drink?" he asks the centipede. But there's no answer from the box. A few minutes later, he asks again - still no reply. Finally, he hollers, "Hey! Do you want to get a drink?"

"I heard you the first time!" says a small, irritated voice. "I'm putting on my shoes!"

- The Joker


Joke: Bidding on the parrot!

One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on a parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the parrot was his at last!

As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!"

"Don't worry," said the auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?"

- The Joker


Joke: Smart Parrot!!!

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows every week and began to understand what the magician does in every trick.

Once he understood that, he started shouting in the middle of the show: Look, it's not the same hat. Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table! Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades?

The magician was furious but couldn't do anything, it was the captain's parrot after all. One day the ship had an accident and sunk. The magician found himself on a piece of wood, in the middle of the ocean, with the parrot of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day, and another, and another.

After a week the parrot finally said: OK. I give up. What'd you do with the boat ?

- The Joker


Joke: How To Photograph A New Puppy...

** Remove film from box and load camera

** Remove film box from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

** Remove puppy from trash and brush coffee grounds from muzzle

** Choose a suitable background for photo

** Mount camera on tripod and focus

** Find puppy and take dirty sock from mouth

** Place puppy in pre-focused spot and return to camera

** Forget about spot and crawl after puppy on knees

** Focus with one hand and fend off puppy with other hand

** Get tissue and clean nose print from lens

** Take flash cube from puppy's mouth and throw in trash

** Put cat outside and put peroxide on the scratch on puppy's nose

** Put magazines back on coffee table

** Try to get puppy's attention by squeaking toy over your head

** Replace your glasses and check camera for damage

** Jump up in time to grab puppy by scruff of neck and say, "No, outside! No, outside!"

** Call spouse to clean up mess

** Fix a drink

** Sit back in Lazy Boy with drink and resolve to teach puppy "sit" and "stay" the first thing in the morning

- The Joker


Joke: Big-city lawyer!

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull.

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!"

The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

- The Joker


Joke: Hunting fossils!

I like hunting fossils, a hobby that isn't exactly my wife's favorite. On one excursion, I found the petrified bones of a squirrel-like mammal. When I brought them home and told my wife what they were, she squelched my excitement.

"I've heard of many a squirrel bringing a nut home," she remarked, "but this is the first time I've heard of a nut bringing a squirrel home."

- The Joker


Joke: Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees?

Why don't you ever see hippopotamus hiding in trees? Because they're really good at it.

- The Joker


Joke: Free homing pigeons!

In the Moreno Valley (Calif.) Recycler:

"Homing pigeons free to good home. Must live far, far away."

- The Joker


Joke: Taking care of the pet rabbit!

I bought my sons a pet rabbit after they promised they would take care of it. As expected, I ended up with the responsibility. Exasperated, one evening I said, "How many times do you think that rabbit would have died if I hadn't looked after it?"

"Once," my 12-year-old son replied.

- The Joker


Joke: The Bird Got The Word!

There was this fella with a parrot. And the parrot swore like a sailor. He could swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble was, the guy who owned him was a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth was driving him crazy.

One day, it got to be too much, so the guy grabbed the bird by the throat, shook him really hard, and yelled, "QUIT IT!" But this just made the bird mad and he swore more than ever.

Then the guy got mad and said, "OK for you," and locked the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravated the bird and he clawed and scratched, and when the guy finally let him out, the bird cut loose with a stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy was so mad he threw the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there was a terrible din. The bird kicked and clawed and thrashed. Then it suddenly became quiet.

At first the guy just waited, but then he started to think the bird might be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he became worried and opened up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbed onto the man's outstretched arm and said, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on."

The man was astounded. He couldn't understand the transformation that had come over the parrot.

Then the parrot said, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"

- The Joker


Joke: Depressed Dog!

John got off the elevator on the 15th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.

"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Spot while you're waiting?" He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."

The dog followed John onto the balcony and started rolling over. John made a hoop with his arms and Spot jumped through -- over the balcony railing. Just then John's date walked out.

"Isn't Spot the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?"

"To tell the truth, " he replied, "Spot seemed a little depressed to me!"

- The Joker


Joke: Golden retriever that loves kids!

I was editing classified ads for a small-town newspaper when a man called to place an ad. "It should read," he said, "Free to good home. Golden retriever. Will eat anything, loves children."

- The Joker


Joke: The Yeti

An English explorer was taking part in an expedition to the Himalayas. Led by a grizzled local guide, they ascended one of the less frequently climbed peaks. Roughly half way up the side of the mountain, one of the expedition came across a set of large manlike tracks in the snow.

"Yeti tracks," the guide said with a gruff voice as he passed them. "One thing you must know before we proceed; do NOT, under any circumstances, touch the yeti."

The expedition heeded his warning and continued to climb the slope, night fell and the explorers set up their tents. In the dead of night the Englishman awoke to the sound of his tent entrance unzipping. Half asleep he looked up to see an enormous eight foot yeti standing above him. In fear for his life the explorer jumped up and ran out of the tent, banging into the yeti in the process. The yeti, after being touched by the explorer let out a deafening howl and began to chase the explorer down the slope.

The explorer ran away from the camp as quickly as his legs could take him, after he rounded a corner he looked behind him to see the bounding form of the yeti still chasing him.

So the explorer continued to run, reaching the bottom of the mountain in just two days, exhausted he paused to rest awhile. After just a few moments, the explorer began to hear the soft 'thud thud thud' of yeti feet on snow, he looked up the slope to see the yeti still chasing him and only moments away.

The explorer took off again, reaching a supply shack a couple of miles away, once there quickly buying a mountain bike and pedaling his way to the nearest town, some fifty miles away. The journey took him several days over the rough terrain and after his arrival he booked into a hotel to recuperate.
Two days later the man left his hotel to see about booking transport back to England. As soon as he turned around though he saw the form of the yeti on the horizon, bounding towards him at great speed. Mortified by this sight, the explorer hurriedly bought a car and drove it away from the village all the way to Delhi. Once he arrived, the man wasted no time in getting on the next plane to London.

After his arrival back in London, the man went back to his London home for a while to recover and to plan his next expedition. He had been there less than two weeks and was gazing out of a window when he saw a familiar large bounding, manlike creature running down his street; the man couldn't believe it, somehow the yeti had followed him to England!

The man had little choice but to run away again, he used any means he could, bike, car, or on foot to try to escape the yeti, but each time he looked behind him, it was just moments before the yeti came into view.

Eventually the man made it all the way to Edinburgh and from there ran into the open Scottish countryside. He continued to run but the yeti just kept getting closer and closer, and in the end the man could run no more.

With the yeti less than a minute away from him, the man finally stopped and turned around to face the oncoming creature. With the last of his strength he stood up straight as the yeti caught up with him. The eight foot tall yeti towered above the man who could only stare in terror. The yeti extended his hand and poked the Englishman squarely in the chest with one long finger and with a low rumbling voice the yeti began to speak:

"Tag! You're it!"

- The Joker


Joke: Spot remover

I poured spot remover on my dog, now he's gone.

- The Joker


Joke: Sports Fishing

While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"

"Naw," the man hollered back, "They ain't been around for years!"

Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, "How'd you get rid of the gators?"

"We didn't do nothin,'" the beachcomber said.

"Wow," said the tourist.

The beachcomber added, "The sharks got 'em."

- The Joker


Joke: Cows Jumping!

What happened to the cow that jumped over the barbed wire fence?

Udder destruction.

- The Joker


Joke: Performance review!

Sometimes I like to sit my dog down for a performance review, just to remind him who's boss.

- The Joker


Joke: Perspective!

Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship's kitchen.

- The Joker


Joke: Explaining a joke!

Explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog. You understand it better, but the frog dies.

- The Joker


Joke: Buying A Bull!!!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.

The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home." The brunette arrives at the man's ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.

She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word."

Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, "I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'"

The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?"

The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde."

"She'll read it very slow."

- The Joker


Joke: Snail on the porch!

A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there's a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: 'What the hell was that all about?'

- The Joker


Joke: Racehorse in last place!

A racehorse owner was furious with his jockey after the horse he rode came in dead last.

"Could you not have raced any faster?" he raged.

"Sure I could have," replied the jockey, "but you know we are supposed to stay on the horse."

- The Joker


Joke: Pavlov's Dogs and Schrodinger's Cat...

A man walks into a library, and says to the Librarian, "I'm looking for a book that's been recommended to me... It's about Pavlov's Dogs and Schrodinger's Cat... Do you know it?"

The Librarian answers, "well, that rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's here or not."

- The Joker


Joke: Never talk to the parrot

Mrs. Peterson phoned the repairman because her dishwasher quit working. He couldn't accommodate her with an "after-hours" appointment and since she had to go to work, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dish washer, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check. By the way, I have a large rotweiler inside named Killer; he won't bother you. I also have a parrot, and whatever you do, do not talk to the bird!"

Well, sure enough the dog, Killer, totally ignored the repairman, but the whole time he was there, the parrot cursed, yelled, screamed, and about drove him nuts.

As he was ready to leave, he couldn't resist saying, "You stupid bird, why don't you shut up!"

To which the bird replied, "Killer, get him!!!"

- The Joker


Joke: Notice to Alaskan Tourist!

In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells alert the bears and warns away most of them.

Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings in order to be alert for the presence of bears.

One can tell a Grizzly bear dropping because it has tiny bells in it.

Thank You,

US Forest Service

- The Joker


Joke: The Mime at the Zoo

One day an out-of-work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. As soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office. The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before the crowd comes. He discovers that it's a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people, and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires. He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion's cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction. Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce. The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, Help me!", but the lion is quick and pounces. The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, "Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"

- The Joker


Joke: Chasing people on a bike!

My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot. It got so bad, finally I had to take his bike away.

- The Joker


Joke: At the Wailing Wall!

So I'm at the Wailing Wall, standing there, like a moron, with my harpoon.

- The Joker


Joke: Poor Horse!

'This week, the movie 'Seabiscuit', about a famous racehorse, opens and it is expected to be a big hit. In fact, they're already working on a sequel called, 'Glue-Stick.'

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker


Joke: The Snake and the Rabbit!

A snake and a rabbit were racing along a pair of intersecting forest pathways one day, when they collided at the point where the pathways meet. They immediately began to argue with one another as to who was at fault for the mishap.

When the snake remarked that he had been blind since birth, and thus should be given additional leeway, the rabbit said that he, too, had been blind since birth. The two animals then forgot about the collision and began commiserating concerning the problems of being blind.

The snake said that his greatest regret was the loss of his identity. He had never been able to see his reflection in water, and for that reason did not know exactly what he looked like, or even what he was.

The rabbit declared that he had the same problem. Seeing a way that they could help each other, the rabbit proposed that one feel the other from head to toe, and then try to describe what the other animal was.

The snake agreed, and started by winding himself around the rabbit. After a few moments, he announced, "You've got very soft, fuzzy fur, long ears, big rear feet, and a little fuzzy ball for a tail. I think that you must be a bunny rabbit!"

The rabbit was much relieved to find his identity, and proceeded to return the favor to the snake. After feeling about the snake's body for a few minutes, he asserted, "Well, you're scaly, you're slimy, you've got beady little eyes, you squirm and slither all the time, and you've got a forked tongue. I think you're a lawyer!"

- The Joker


Joke: How were people born?

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on."

The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now."

The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

- The Joker


Joke: I'm a Rabbit!!!

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

- The Joker




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