2017
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13 Computer Jokes

Joke: For Anyone who has had problems with Microsoft!!!

Bill Gates dies and finds himself being sized up by God...

"Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure whether to send you to heaven or Hell. After all, you enormously helped society by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go."

Bill replied, "Well, what's the difference between the two?"

God said, "I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, to see if it will help your decision."

"Fine, but where should I go first?" Bill asked.

"I'll leave that up to you." God replied.

"Okay then," said Bill, "let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of beautiful women running around, playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about. The sun was shining; the temperature perfect. He was very pleased. "This is great," he told God. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven."

"Fine," said God, and off they went. Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell.

Bill thought for a quick minute, and rendered his decision. "Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told God.

"Fine," replied God, "as you desire."

So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, God decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons, with no one to help him out of his dilemma no matter how loud he screamed. "How's everything going?" He asked Bill.

Bill responded with his voice filled with anguish and tormented disappointment. "This is awful. This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago. I can't believe this is happening. What happened to that other place, with the beaches and the beautiful women playing in the water????"

"Oh," God said, "THAT WAS THE DEMO VERSION!"

- The Joker


Joke: General Failure

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

- The Joker


Joke: I changed my password!

I changed my password to "incorrect". So whenever I forget what it is the computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

- The Joker


Joke: Kick boxing!

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

- The Joker


Joke: Watch out for the VIRUS!!!

*AT&T Virus: Every three minutes it tells you what great service you're getting with them as your phone company.

*MCI Virus: Every three minutes it reminds you that you're paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

*Paul Revere Virus: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of impending hard disk attack--once if by LAN, twice if by C:>.

*Politically Correct Virus: Never calls itself a "virus," but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism."

*Government Economist Virus: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

*Federal Bureaucrat Virus: Divides your hard disk into hundreds of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

*PBS (Public Broadcasting TV) Virus: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.

*Elvis Virus: Your computer gets fat, slow and lazy, and then self destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.

*Nike Virus: Just does it.

*Star Trek Virus: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before.

*Health Care Virus: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4500.00.

*Los Angeles Police Department Virus: It claims it feels threatened by other files on your PC and erases them in "self defense."

*Richard Nixon Virus: Says, "I am not a virus!"

*Adam and Eve Virus: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.

*Airline Virus: You're in Chicago, but your data is in Singapore.

Use your virus scan soon...don't let any of these viruses happen to your PC!

- The Joker


Joke: Q: Is Google male or female?

Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn't let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.

- The Joker


Joke: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it's a hardware problem.

- The Joker


Joke: Installing Adblocker Plus!

Ever since I installed Adblocker Plus things haven't been going too well.

All of a sudden, girls in my area are no longer interested in me.

- The Joker


Joke: The Accidental E-mail!!!

One day there lived a man and a woman named Mr. and Mrs. Jones who lived in Delaware. One day Mr. Jones had to take a business trip to Hawaii. While in Hawaii, Mr. Jones e-mailed his wife every day just to say, " I love you and I miss you."

However, one day Mr. Jones had trouble remembering the e-mail address. He did the best he could but he was not successful. Instead of the message being sent to his wife it was mistakenly sent to a lady whose husband was a preacher and had just died.

The lady opened the e-mail and it read," Honey, I miss you so much and I love you"..."p.s.- it sure is hot down here!"

The lady fainted at the computer.

- The Joker


Joke: Getting off the computer!

My mom said that if I don't get off my computer and do my homework she'll slam my head on the keyboard, but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny-/ 84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

- The Joker


Joke: Someone stole my Microsoft Office!

Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they're gonna pay. You have my Word.

- The Joker


Joke: Changed my Facebook name!

Just changed my Facebook name to 'No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say 'No one likes this'.

- The Joker


Joke: A very amicable divorce!

My ex and I had a very amicable divorce. I know this because when I wrote the Facebook status "I'm getting a divorce," he was the first one to click Like.

- The Joker




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