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27 Medical Jokes

Joke: Ugly Sickness!

A very homely person made an appointment with a psychiatrist. The homely person walked into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, I'm so depressed and lonely. I don't have any friends, no one will come near me, and everybody laughs at me. Can you help me accept my ugliness?"

"I'm sure I can." the psychiatrist replied. "Just go over and lie face down on that couch."

- The Joker


Joke: We need a fourth for poker!

The doctor answered the phone and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. "We need a fourth for poker," said the friend.

"I'll be right over," whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, "Is it serious?"

"Oh yes, quite serious," said the doctor gravely. "In fact, there are three doctors there already!"

- The Joker


Joke: Preoccupation with vengeance...

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.

- The Joker


Joke: What does DNA stand for?

What does DNA stand for? National Dyslexia Association.

- The Joker


Joke: Got kleptomania?

Got kleptomania? Take something for it.

- The Joker


Joke: Just say NO to drugs!

"Just say NO to drugs!"

"Well, if I'm talking to my drugs... I probably already said yes."

- The Joker


Joke: Detecting a mental deficiency!

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," Bob asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."

"What sort of question?"

"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three voyages around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'

Bob thought for a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."

- The Joker


Joke: A Simple Operation!

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right.'"

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!"

- The Joker


Joke: His whole left side cut off!

I knew a guy who got his whole left side cut off. He's all right now.

- The Joker


Joke: Adding insult to injury!

The easiest time to add insult to injury is when you're signing somebody's cast.

- The Joker


Joke: Trapped on the flight!

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep.

The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.

Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and he pukes all over the big guy's chest.

About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.

"So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

- The Joker


Joke: Pregnancy test!

To confirm her suspicions, my sister needed to purchase a pregnancy test. Since I was going to the pharmacy, she asked me to pick one up. I didn't stop to think how I appeared to the clerk when I waddled up--nine months pregnant--to pay for the kit.

"Honey," she said, "I can save you $15 right now. You're definitely going to have a baby."

- The Joker


Joke: Blonde Diet!

A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Wow, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The blonde nods... "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" said the doctor.

"No, from skipping," replied the blonde.

- The Joker


Joke: Living forever!

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

- The Joker


Joke: All the things around the house that he used to do...

A man tells his doctor that he's incapable of doing all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination is over, he says, "Okay, Doctor. In plain English - what's wrong with me?"

"Well, in plain English," says the doctor, "you're just lazy."

The man nods. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

- The Joker


Joke: You're not deluded!

Psychiatrist to patient: "Don't worry. You're not deluded. You only think you are."

- The Joker


Joke: Stockholm Syndrome...

I've just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.

- The Joker


Joke: My friend gave me his Epi-Pen...

My friend gave me his Epi-Pen as he was dying. It seemed very important to him that I have it.

- The Joker


Joke: Suffering from a terminal illness...

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

- The Joker


Joke: I broke my finger last week...

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I'm okay.

- The Joker


Joke: Psychiatrist cure!

Lenny tells the psychiatrist, "Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it."

"Come to me three times a week for two years, and I'll cure your fears," says the shrink. "And I'll charge you only $200 a visit."

Lenny says he'll think about it. Six months later, he runs into the doctor, who asks why he never came back. "For $200 a visit?" says Lenny. "A bartender cured me for $10."

"Is that so! How?"

"He told me to cut the legs off the bed."

- The Joker


Joke: Alphabetical OCD!

I have CDO, it's the exact same as OCD, except the letters are ordered alphabetically.

- The Joker


Joke: Someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds!

Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

Joke explanation: The second sentence implies it's the same person each time.

- The Joker


Joke: The good news!

Dr. Smith asks his patient, "Which do you want first, the good news or the bad news?"

The patient replies, "Give me the good news."

Dr. Smith says, "You're about to have a disease named after you."

- The Joker


Joke: Good Health?

"Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?"

-David Letterman

- The Joker


Joke: The first rule of Alzheimer's club...

The first rule of Alzheimer's club: Don't talk about chess club.

- The Joker


Joke: Hunter in the Woods!

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed.

The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

- The Joker




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