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95 Political Jokes

Joke: Bad Decisions!

'Yesterday, the government announced that this year's budget deficit is going to be 455 billion dollars. A White House spokesman blamed the war in Iraq, the sluggish economy and Bush's decision to finance the movie 'From Justin to Kelly.''
-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: Old Oil!

"Some people have criticized the United States and the United States military for guarding oil fields and not guarding the Iraqi National Museum which had priceless antiquities in it. They say that this shows a fundamental lack of respect for Iraqi history. I want to remind those people of this: The oldest relics in the museum, 5,000 or 6,000 years old. That oil is 65 million years old. You had to guard that. ... Those antiquities will only last another 5,000 or 6,000 years. When we burn that oil, those fumes will linger long after."

-Jon Stewart

- The Joker

Joke: Why did the LAPD leave the Dodgers game early?

Why did the LAPD leave the Dodgers game early? They wanted to beat the crowd.

- The Joker

Joke: While out Jogging One Morning

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Clinton.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

- The Joker

Joke: President Ronald Reagan Quote #1

"I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself."

- President Ronald Reagan

- The Joker

Joke: If pro is the opposite of con...

If pro is the opposite of con, then congress is the opposite of...

- The Joker

Joke: What a Wig!

U.S. Custom's agents stopped two women at a Mexican border crossing in Texas after allegedly finding several pounds of cocaine hidden under their wigs. Texas governor George W. Bush doesn't want the court to show these women any leniency. He said if they're guilty, he'll have their heads.

- The Joker

Joke: Winner?

"Saturday night I watched the nine candidates during the Democratic presidential debate, and it was so boring that ABC picked it up as part of their fall schedule. Halfway through the debate Al Sharpton ordered a pizza to his podium. You know who the winner was? Anyone with a remote in their hand."

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: Congressional Football!

The Republicans and Democrats in Congress are constantly telling jokes about one another, and finally they agree to have a flag football game: The losing party won't be allowed to tell jokes about the winning party for one full year, and every year they'll replay the contest.

Of course they play this game in RFK Stadium in D.C. The stadium is filled with onlookers who are watching this inept contest between elderly congressmen and roaring with laughter.

Late in the third quarter, the score is tied at 0-0. A factory across the Anacostia River blows its shift whistle, and the stupid Democrats think this is the end of the game, so they leave the field.

Thirteen plays later, the Republicans score.

- The Joker

Joke: Clinton and the Genie...!

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

- The Joker

Joke: Texans in Hell!

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, but they are only showing slight signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.

"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.

"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."

- The Joker

Joke: The Pentagon's Pencils!


WASHINGTON - When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand-held communications inscriber," says one Washington senator.

- The Joker

Joke: President John F. Kennedy Quote #1

"I just received the following wire from my generous Daddy: Dear Jack, Don't buy a single vote more than is necessary. I'll be damned if I'm going to pay for a landslide."

-John F. Kennedy, addressing complaints that his father's money was buying the primary for him.

- The Joker

Joke: Imperialist?

"The president boasted at the top of his press conference that we have the support now of Britain and Spain for our attack on Iraq. You know, when you want to make it perfectly clear to the world that you're not an imperialist, the people you want in your corner are Britain and Spain."

-Bill Maher, HBO

- The Joker

Joke: Special Attachment

VP Al Gore is supporting a $7.8 billion rescue plan for the Florida Everglades that is being studied by Congress. Al has a special attachment for the Everglades. He didn't invent them, but he does claim to be the first person to ever say, "See you later, alligator."

- The Joker

Joke: President Ronald Reagan Quote #5

"I hope you're all Republicans." - Speaking to surgeons as he entered the operating room following a 1981 assassination attempt

- President Ronald Reagan

- The Joker

Joke: Good Health?

"Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?"

-David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: Angry?

"There has been no electricity in Baghdad for a week and the people are angry. You would be angry too if you couldn't watch your brand new stolen TV."

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: Just One

"A conservative group is asking Americans to boycott all companies who advertise on Monica Lewinsky's new reality show. The conservative group is made up of several right wing Republicans and one female Democratic senator."

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: Got Her!

"Yes! We finally captured Martha Stewart. You know, with all the massive and almost completely unpunished fraud perpetrated on the public by companies like Enron, Global Crossing, and Tyco we finally got the ring leader. Maybe now we can lower the nation's terror alert to periwinkle."

-Jon Stewart

- The Joker

Joke: EPA Head!

"Christie Todd Whitman, who is head of the EPA, has announced she is resigning at the end of the month. President Bush was shocked. He didn't even know we had an Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know what the EPA is? Their job is to protect the environment from President Bush."

-Jay Leno

- The Joker

Joke: Truth In Politics!!!

It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. "I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!"

The crowd went wild, shouting "Hoya! Hoya!" The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. "I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!"

"Hoya! Hoya!" cried the crowd, stomping their feet.

"I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!" The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting "Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!"

After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle. Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle.

"Sure," the Chief said, "but be careful not to step in the hoya."

- The Joker

Joke: Tragedy

One day an English teacher asked her class if they knew the definition of a tragedy. One boy said it would be a tragedy if the principal died in the middle of the night. The teacher said, "No, though that would be a great loss." Another said it would be a tragedy if someone accidentally drove off a cliff. The teacher said, "No, that would be more of an accident."

Finally one very smart little boy said it would be a tragedy if Bill Clinton drove off a cliff. The teacher said, "Yes, that's exactly right! How did you know that?"

And the little boy said, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident, but it sure wouldn't be a great loss, either!"

- The Joker

Joke: Saddam and His Chauffeur!!!

Saddam Hussein and his chauffeur were rolling down the highway when suddenly they hit a pig crossing the road. They killed it instantly. Saddam tells his driver: "Go to the farm over there and explain to the owner of the pig what happened."

Half an hour later, Saddam sees his driver coming back from the farm, a bottle of wine in one hand and a cigar in the other.

"What happened to you?" He asks.

"Well, the farmer gave me a cigar and his wife gave me the bottle of wine."

"My God! What did you tell them?" asked President Hussein.

The driver answered: "Good evening. I am Saddam Hussein's chauffeur and I have just killed the pig."

- The Joker

Joke: Chased Down!

"Vermont Senator James Jeffords is being called a hero today after he chased down a teenager who stole a wallet from his daughter-in-law on Capitol Hill. How fat are our kids getting when they're being run down by 68-year-old senators. ... At one point Jeffords yelled out 'Stop thief' and two hundred congressmen froze."

-Jay Leno

- The Joker

Joke: State of the Union

"All of the major networks aired the State of the Union address, but NBC got the highest ratings. After the speech, NBC viewers said 'It was a good speech, but Martin Sheen looked horrible.'"

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: George W. Bush vs. the Taliban!

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.

"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.

Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!" George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"

- The Joker

Joke: Alert!

"I'm hoping they don't raise the alert to the top, which is just a black square that says 'soil yourself.'"

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: Economy?

"Now that the war with Iraq is over a lot of people want President Bush to focus on the economy. You know who really wants President Bush to focus on the economy? Syria."

-Jay Leno

- The Joker

Joke: Home Truths on Air Force One

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

- The Joker

Joke: Catching Up on World Affairs...

'I'm not worried about things in the world because yesterday President Bush told reporters that he is monitoring the situation in North Korea, very carefully. In fact today the president spent the whole day watching reruns of M.A.S.H.'

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: President Barack Obama Quote #1

''If I had to name my greatest strength, I guess it would be my humility. Greatest weakness, it's possible that I'm a little too awesome.''

- President Barack Obama

- The Joker

Joke: President Abraham Lincoln Quote #1

"If I were two faced, would I be wearing this one?"

- President Abraham Lincoln

- The Joker

Joke: Just Ironic

"All of Iraq's oil fields are under U.S. control which is ironic considering all the gas stations here are run by Middle Easterners."

-Jay Leno

- The Joker

Joke: A Liberal and a Genie!

A liberal came upon a genie and said, "You're a genie. Can you grant me three wishes?" The genie replied, "Yes, but only if you're feeling generous enough to share your good fortune." The liberal said, "I'm a liberal. I'm always happy to share." The genie said, "O.K., then, whatever you wish for, I'll give every conservative in the country two of it. What's your first wish?" "I would like a new sports car." "O.K., you've got it, and every conservative in the country gets two sports cars. What's your second wish?" "I'd like a million dollars." "O.K., you get a million dollars, every conservative gets two million dollars. What's your third and final wish?" "Well, I've always wanted to donate a kidney."

- The Joker

Joke: Same Much...

"Gephardt said even though he and the other Democratic candidates have different views they all will give the same concession speech."

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: A Tale of Two Pigs

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.

At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President"

Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?"

The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."

- The Joker

Joke: 'Twas The (Politically Correct) Night Before Christmas

'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves".
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.

Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.

So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!

The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.

Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."

And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows,
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.

So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.

And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.

Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.

Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.

No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.

For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.

No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.

So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.

He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.

Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;

Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
'May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on earth.'

- The Joker

Joke: Bush and Powell Plan World War III!

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

- The Joker

Joke: The Puppy Trader

Hillary Clinton was on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?"

The boy replies, "They're Democratic puppies, Ma'am." With this she smiles and walks off.

Later on that day she mentions to Bill about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week Bill was on his way to McDonald's and saw the boy and his puppies. He stops and asks the boy, "What kind of puppies are they?"

The boy replies, "They're Republican puppies, Sir."

"Republican puppies?" Bill asked. "Last week you told my wife they were Democratic puppies."

The boy replied, "I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes."

- The Joker

Joke: Survivor, Texas-Style!

Network TV is reported to be developing a "Texas version" of "Survivor," the recent popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas, Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and Lubbock. Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that reads: "I'm for Gore, I'm gay, and I'm here to take your guns."

The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.

- The Joker

Joke: Quick One-Liner

The Bush Administration is going to be called the Wizard of Oz Administration, because Dick Cheney needs a heart and George W. needs a brain!

- The Joker

Joke: Poor Bill!

"The word is that Bill Clinton is so distraught over Hillary's new book that he's been drinking. Sweet Lord, we've seen the chicks he hits on when he's sober!"

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: Lucky Frog!!!

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."

They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."

He figures why not, especially after all that the frog has done for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous girl. "And that, Hilary, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God. Or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

- The Joker

Joke: I'm a Rabbit!!!

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

- The Joker

Joke: Hidden Weapons

"According to the Associated Press, there's a rumor that Saddam Hussein is now hiding weapons in schools. When asked why, Saddam said, Because a school is the last place President Bush will look."

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: Be Safe!

"The federal government said today if you're caught outside near the explosion of a radioactive bomb, do not panic. Lie down on the ground and cover your head and if you can stay in this position for 14.2 million years, you'll be fine."

-Jay Leno

- The Joker

Joke: Hello Hillary!

If you would have told me three and half years ago that Hillary would be on the show I would have said, "We'll be on the air in three years? That's possible??

-David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: Democratic Candidates!

"According to a new CBS poll, 66 percent of Americans cannot name a single Democratic candidate running for president. The other 34 percent are Democratic candidates running for president."

-Jay Leno

- The Joker

Joke: Just the Smarts

Former VP Dan Quayle enters a tattoo parlor. The tattoo artist welcomes the vice president, and asks what he can do for him.

"I want a mark put on the front of my head, sort of like the one Gorbachev has. Can you do it?"

"Uh, why yes," the tattoo artist replies. "But if you don't mind my asking, why do you want it?"

Quayle explains that he recently visited with Gorbachev. "I told him how much I admired him; his political savvy, his ability to bounce back from adversity. So I asked him, straight out, 'How do you do it?' "He told me," Quayle says, pointing to his head, "You've got to have something up here."

- The Joker

Joke: Steps for Dealing With Peace Protestors

For any of you that may be in Berkeley this weekend, or wherever these peace rallies may occur. What to do if you happen upon a peace rally by stupid, naive, hemp-shirt-wearing idiots, to teach them why force is needed:

1) Approach rich, ignorant person talking about "peace" and saying there should be "no retaliation"

2) Have brief conversation, ask if military force is appropriate

3) When he says "no," ask, "Why not?"

4) When he says, "because that would just cause more innocent deaths, which would be awful, and we should not cause more violence"

5) Punch him in the face . . . hard

6) When he gets up to punch you back, point out that it would be a mistake, and contrary to his values, to punch you, because he would be just increasing the violence.

7) When he agrees that he has pledged not to commit violence, punch him in the face again . . . harder this time.

8) repeat steps 2 through 8 until he understands that sometimes it is necessary to punch back.

- The Joker

Joke: President George W. Bush Quote #1

"These stories about my intellectual capacity really get under my skin. You know, for a while I even thought my staff believed it. There on my schedule first thing every morning it said, 'Intelligence Briefing.'"

- President George W. Bush

- The Joker

Joke: A Moral Question

Pretend that you're a photographer who has gone out to the Midwest to take pictures of an ongoing flood. Now as you're wandering around looking for a good shot, you see Hillary Clinton in the middle of a rushing river, holding onto a thin branch so she won't get swept away. The branch is about halfway broken, and you know it will break altogether in a matter of minutes. Now you can do one of two things: You can either rescue her or take an award-winning picture that will secure your place in photographic history.

Now for the question:

Which lens would you use?

- The Joker

Joke: President Ronald Reagan Quote #3

"I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of national emergency -- even if I'm in a Cabinet meeting."

- President Ronald Reagan

- The Joker

Joke: Hillary Clinton vs. God!

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

- The Joker

Joke: The end will be signaled by trumpets!

John the Apostle is writing the Book of Revelation.

He says to God, "So, Lord, the end will be signaled by trumpets?"

God replies, "No... I said Trump/Pence."

John says, "Yeah, trumpets."

God says, "No... oh, never mind. They'll know."

- The Joker

Joke: Poor Guy...

"Saddam Hussein's brother-in-law has been arrested by coalition forces. That's good news. They acted on a tip from Saddam Hussein. ... Saddam's three ex-wives have left the country, his brother-in-law has been arrested, boy we are really making his life a living hell aren't we?"

- David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: Joe...

"They say the guy on the Joe Millionaire show is only worth $19,000. Well, that's not true. With the new Bush tax cut he's actually worth $19,400."

-David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: Job?

"Yesterday Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan said he would be willing to serve another term. Greenspan said, 'Where else would I get a job in this economy?'"

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: Not Bad!

"Hillary Clinton has written a book -- it's a 600-page memoir -- eight years in the White House. Six hundred pages, that's amazing. Not bad for a woman who, when she was there had no idea what was going on."

-David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: So Sorry!

'The Canadian government continues to say they will not help us if we go to war with Iraq. However, the prime minister of Canada said he'd like to help, but he's pretty sure that last time he checked, Canada had no army.'

- Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: The Priest And The Politician!!!

A parish priest was being honored at a dinner on the twenty-fifth anniversary of his arrival in that parish. A leading local politician, who was a member of the congregation, was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner, but he was delayed in traffic, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.

"You will understand," he said, "the seal of the confessional, can never be broken. However, I got my first impressions of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I can only hint vaguely about this, but when I came here twenty-five years ago I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first chap who entered my confessional told me how he had stolen a television set, and when stopped by the police, had almost murdered the officer. Further, he told me he had embezzled money from his place of business. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that, and I had, indeed come to, a fine parish full of understanding and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and give his talk.

"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived in this parish," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

- The Joker

Joke: Just hung up on...

"The former governor of New Jersey and the head of the environmental protection agency, Christine Todd Whitman, has resigned. Did you hear about this? Two reasons: Bush felt she was too soft on decimating pristine wilderness, and she was too hung up on that breathable air issue."

-David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: Bush Solves a Puzzle!

His closest advisors came to visit Bush at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Bush replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great.

"Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"

- The Joker

Joke: Jack-o'-Lantern

What's the difference between a jack-o'-lantern and Hillary Clinton's head?

A light goes on in a jack-o'-lantern once a year.

- The Joker

Joke: BINGO!

"President Bush is in France for the big G8 Summit. He's had quite a sense of humor with everything. Every time someone at the G8 Summit says G8, President Bush yells 'Bingo.'"

-David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: The Strategist at the Pearly Gates!

A Democratic strategist assumes room temperature and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. The strategist is taken inside Heaven by St. Peter and given a guided tour. He's led into one huge room that is full of millions of clocks, and he notices a clock with his name on it that has stopped.

St. Peter explains that everyone has a clock that counts down the seconds of their life, and when someone dies, their clock stops. All this fascinates the strategist but when he examines all of the other clocks, he notices that some of the clocks' second hands are moving faster than others.

St. Peter explains that every time someone tells a lie, which is a sin, they lose part of their life, so their clock's second hand ends up moving faster.

The Democratic strategist looks around but doesn't see Bill Clinton's clock, so he asks St. Peter where it is.

"Oh," answers St. Peter, "that's being used as a ceiling fan."

- The Joker

Joke: More Fun with Dubya!

According to a new survey, the United States is the third-happiest country in the world overall, behind Denmark and Australia. When asked why he thought we were behind Denmark, George W. Bush said he didn't know, but we're ahead of Wal-mark and K-mark.

- The Joker

Joke: Bush Plan...

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'"

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: Signs you might be a Liberal

You paid $500,000.00 for a beer keg once used by John F. Kennedy.

You protested American intervention in Iraq, but support American intervention in Haiti, Somalia, and Bosnia.

If the years 1966 through 1974 are vague memories because of the effects of drug abuse.

You think Hillary Clinton is, "A babe."

You think that a naval aircraft carrier should be named after George McGovern, but then you remember that one aircraft carrier could feed a million starving children for a year.

You think people who make above minimum wage are rich and should be taxed at 90 percent.

Upon hearing of anything bad that has happened, the first thing you think should be done is that the oil companies should be investigated.

You ever said, "Differently abled" when you mean "crippled."

You ever proposed that cockroaches should be placed on the endangered species list.

You ever drove to an Earth Day rally in a Lincoln Towncar, or a Ferrari.

You blame the Republicans for rainy weather.

You cried out, "Where did I go wrong!" when your son or daughter joined the Marine Corps.

You think Newt Gingrich should be dipped in gravy train and fed to a pack of ravenous poddles.

You ever referred to someone's GI Joe figurines and matching tac nukes as "War toys."

You are against prayer in public schools, even before math tests.

You own an espresso maker, a cusinart, and a heated water bed and yet oppose off shore oil drilling and the construction of nuclear power plants.

You don't go into a fit of rage when Barney is on TV.

You think that Doctors should be made into government bureaucrats, but that lawyers should not.

You object to little old ladies wearing fur, but not big, mean bikers wearing leather.

- The Joker

Joke: Columbus!

They say that Christopher Columbus was the first Democrat. When he left to discover America, he didn't know where he was going. When he got there he didn't know where he was. And it was all done on a government grant.

- The Joker

Joke: President Ronald Reagan Quote #2

In 1984, Ronald Reagan made a joke during a sound check for a radio broadcast: "My fellow Americans," he said, "I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes."

Reagan was not aware, however, that his feed was live. And unfortunately, not everyone got the joke. Soviet officials got word of the broadcast and put the military on high alert.

Once the threat of nuclear war had abated, Americans found the situation hilarious, and decided to memorialize Reagan's famous quip by instituting National Presidential Joke Day on August 11th.

- The Joker

Joke: An Old Proverb Updated

Classic Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The grasshopper has no food or shelter so he dies out in the cold.

Modern Version

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others are cold and starving.

CBS, NBC and ABC show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food. America is stunned by the sharp contrast. How can it be that, in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Then a representative of the NAAGB (National Association of Green Bugs) shows up on Nightline and charges the ant with 'green bias,' and makes the case that the grasshopper is the victim of 30 million years of greenism. Kermit the Frog appears on Oprah with the grasshopper, and everybody cries when he sings 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

Democrats argue that the ant has gotten rich off the back of the grasshopper, and call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his 'fair share.' Finally, the EEOC drafts the 'Economic Equity and Anti-Greenism Act' retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of green bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he's in, which just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around him since he doesn't know how to maintain it. The ant has disappeared in the snow. And on the TV, which the grasshopper bought by selling most of the ant's food, they are showing a group of wildly applauding Democrats announcing that a new era of fairness has dawned in America.

- The Joker

Joke: When Abraham Lincoln was your age!

When I complained about doing homework, my Dad said to me, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight."

I said, "When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President."

- The Joker

Joke: The Traditional Way!

'This week the White House installed new software on its website that makes it harder for citizens to send an email to the President. Today the White House said, 'Americans can still contact Bush in the traditional way - by mailing a check.''

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: Road Trip to Oz

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, VP Dick Cheney, and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them many miles away. They fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz, known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle announces: "I'll ask the Wizard for a brain."

Cheney responds: "I'll ask him for a heart."

Clinton looks around and says: "Where's Dorothy?"

- The Joker

Joke: President Bill Clinton Quote #1

"Being president is like running a cemetery: you've got a lot of people under you and nobody's listening."

-Bill Clinton

- The Joker

Joke: Lost

"North Korea may have built an atomic suitcase bomb that could slip into this country. The good news, the airlines lost it."

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: A Guide to U.S. Newspapers!

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The Washington Post is read by people who think they should run the country.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however like the smog statistics shown in pie charts.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave L.A. to do it.

6. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

7. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country either, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority, feministic atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from ANY country or galaxy as long as they are democrats.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but need the baseball scores.

- The Joker

Joke: Bagels?

Al Gore and Hillary Rodham Clinton shared the stage in New York at a rally held by the Young Men's Hebrew Association. They both have personal connections to the members of this organization. Hillary says she has some Jewish ancestors and Al claims he invented bagels and lox.

- The Joker

Joke: President Ronald Reagan Quote #4

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his."

- President Ronald Reagan

- The Joker

Joke: We'll Get 'Em

"President Bush flew over Iraq in Air Force One, saw the devastation and said 'Don't worry about this, we'll get whoever did this.'"

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: What a Son!

An older couple had a son, who was still living at home. The parents were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall table, and hid, pretending they were not home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room, carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Dang! Our son is going to be a senator someday!"

- The Joker

Joke: Picking on Dubya!

George W. Bush says that illiteracy among school children amounts to a "national emergency" and if elected, he'll spend $5 billion over 5 years to address the issue. George W. Bush and illiteracy. This is the new definition of "the blind leading the blind."

- The Joker

Joke: A Lesson Learned Young!

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened.

Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, USA, they decided to send it to President Bush.

The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.

President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to God, which read:

Dear God,

Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those crooks deducted $95.00.

- The Joker

Joke: Couple of Hillary Jokes!

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep with an intern."

-Craig Kilborn

"There is a cold front moving across the country. Yeah, it's Hillary starting her book tour."

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: Out for a Drive!

The Clintons are driving along in Arkansas. Needing gas, they pull over. Hillary excuses herself to go to the ladies' room. After filling the tank, Bill goes looking for Hillary and is surprised to see her talking animatedly with the gas station attendant. Stunned, he watches as she gives the attendant a big hug and a kiss on each cheek.

'What was that all about?' Bill asks huffily when she returns to the car. 'Oh,' explains Hillary, 'I went to high school with that guy. In fact, I think I even dated him at one time. We were catching up on old times.'

'Well,' observes Bill, 'I guess if you had married him, you?d be pumping gas today!'

'Oh no, Bill,' says Hillary, 'if I had married him, he'd be the president of the United States!'

- The Joker

Joke: What does it Take!

"In her book Hillary Clinton said she could have divorced her husband for all of his infidelities, but decided to get counseling instead. In a related story Bill Clinton announced the name of his new book is 'What Does It Take To Get This Woman To Leave Me?'"

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: Freedom...

"Ari Fleischer announced last week he was resigning as the Bush administration press secretary in July. Fleischer has earned a reputation as an evasive mouthpiece for the president, who stays on message using ambiguous half- truths ? or as they are known at the Bush White House ? 'freedom lies.'"

-Jon Stewart

- The Joker

Joke: Taking drugs!

I hate people who take drugs.

Specifically, the DEA and US Customs.

- The Joker

Joke: Smart?

President George W. Bush goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton. After dinner, Bill says, "Well, Bush, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine were all brilliant."

"How could you tell?" asks Bush.

"It's simple," says Bill. "They all had to take special tests before they could become a cabinet member. Wait a second, I'll show you." He calls Madeleine Albright over and says, "Tell me, Madeleine, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple, Mr. President," says Madeleine, "It's me!"

"Well done, Madeleine," says Clinton, and Bush is very impressed.

Upon returning to the White House, Bush wonders about the intelligence of the members of his own cabinet, so he calls in Rumsfeld and says, "Rumsfeld, tell me, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"

Rumsfeld thinks and thinks but doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further, Mr. President? May I let you know tomorrow?"

"Of course," says Bush, "You've got twenty-four hours." So Rumsfeld goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in the Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no one knows the answer.

Twenty hours later, Rumsfeld is very worried, so he calls Powell. "Colin," he says, "Tell me, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"

"Very simple," says Colin Powell, "It's me!"

"Of course," says Rumsfeld, and he rings Bush. "Mr. President," Rumsfeld says proudly, "I've got the answer: It's Colin Powell."

"No, you idiot," says Bush, "It's Madeleine Albright!"

- The Joker

Joke: Win-Win!

"Hillary's book is a big hit and the way Bill looks at it, it's a win-win situation: She's making a lot of money, and she's on tour doing book signings."

-David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: Corporate Memo!

To: All Staff

Date: December 1

Subject: New "Twelve Days of Christmas" Policy

The recent announcement that Donner and Blitzen have elected to take the early reindeer retirement package has triggered a good deal of concern about whether they will be replaced, and about other restructuring decisions at the North Pole.

Streamlining is due to the North Pole's loss of dominance in the season's gift distribution business. Home Shopping TV channels and mail order catalogues have diminished Santa's market share. He and the Board could not sit idly by and permit further erosion of the profit picture.

The reindeer downsizing was made possible through purchase of a late model Japanese sled for the CEO's annual trip. Improved productivity from Dasher and Dancer, who summered at the Harvard Business School, is anticipated. Reduction in the reindeer will also lessen airborne environmental emissions for which the North Pole has received unfavorable press (gas and solid waste).

We're pleased to inform you that Rudolph's role will not be disturbed. Tradition still counts for something at the North Pole!

Management denies, in the strongest possible language, the earlier leak that Rudolph's nose get red, not from the cold, but from substance abuse. Calling Rudolph 'a lush who was into the sauce and never did pull his share of the load' was an unfortunate comment, made by one of Santa's helpers and taken out of context at a time of the year when they are known to be under 'executive stress'.

As for further restructuring, today's global challenges require the North Pole to continue to look for better, more competitive steps. Effective immediately, the following economy measures are to take place in the 'Twelve Days of Christmas' music subsidiary:

1) The partridge will be retained, but the pear tree, which never produced the cash crop forecasted, will be replaced by a plastic hanging plant, providing considerable savings in maintenance;

2) Two turtle doves represent a redundancy that is simply not cost effective. In addition, their romance during working hours could not be condoned. The positions are, therefore, eliminated;

3) The three French hens will remain intact. After all, everyone loves the French;
4) The four calling birds will be replaced by an automated voice mail system, with a call waiting option. An analysis is underway to determine who the birds have been calling, how often and how long they talked;

5) The five golden rings have been put on hold by the Board of Directors. Maintaining a portfolio based on one commodity could have negative implications for institutional investors. Diversification into other precious metals, as well as a mix of T-Bills and high technology stocks, appear to be in order;

6) The six geese-a-laying constitutes a luxury which can no longer be afforded. It has long been felt that the production rate of one egg per goose per day was an example of the general decline in productivity. Three geese will be let go, and an upgrading in the selection procedure by personnel will assure management that, from now on, every goose it gets will be a good one;

7) The seven swans-a-swimming is obviously a number chosen in better times. The function is primarily decorative. Mechanical swans are on order. The current swans will be retrained to learn some new strokes, thereby enhancing their outplacement;

8) As you know, the eight maids-a-milking concept has been under heavy scrutiny by the EEOC. A male/female balance in the workforce is being sought. The more militant maids consider this a dead-end job with no upward mobility. Automation of the process may permit the maids to try a-mending, a-mentoring or a-mulching;

9) Nine ladies dancing has always been an odd number. This function will be phased out as these individuals grow older and can no longer do the steps;

10) Ten Lords-a-leaping is overkill. The high cost of Lords, plus the expense of international air travel, prompted the Compensation Committee to suggest replacing this group with ten out-of-work congressmen. While leaping ability may be somewhat sacrificed, the savings are significant as we expect an oversupply of unemployed congressmen this year;

11) Eleven pipers piping and twelve drummers drumming is a simple case of the band getting too big. A substitution with a string quartet, a cutback on new music, and no uniforms, will produce savings which will drop right to the bottom line;

Overall we can expect a substantial reduction in assorted people, fowl, animals and related expenses. Though incomplete, studies indicate that stretching deliveries over twelve days is inefficient. If we can drop ship in one day, service levels will be improved.

Regarding the lawsuit filed by the attorney's association seeking expansion to include the legal profession ('thirteen lawyers-a-suing'), a decision is pending.

Deeper cuts may be necessary in the future to remain competitive. Should that happen, the Board will request management to scrutinize the Snow White Division to see if seven dwarfs is the right number.

Happy Holidays all!!

- The Joker

Joke: Difference Between Republicans and Democrats!

A Republican and a Democrat were walking down the street when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him to come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, he decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office. He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave the homeless person fifty dollars.

Now you understand the difference between Republicans and Democrats

- The Joker

Joke: Her Version

"All week, Hillary Clinton has been saying that she has no intention of running for president. See, this is kind of like her version of 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

-Jay Leno

- The Joker

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