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20 Bush Jokes

Joke: Freedom...

"Ari Fleischer announced last week he was resigning as the Bush administration press secretary in July. Fleischer has earned a reputation as an evasive mouthpiece for the president, who stays on message using ambiguous half- truths ? or as they are known at the Bush White House ? 'freedom lies.'"

-Jon Stewart

- The Joker

Joke: What a Wig!

U.S. Custom's agents stopped two women at a Mexican border crossing in Texas after allegedly finding several pounds of cocaine hidden under their wigs. Texas governor George W. Bush doesn't want the court to show these women any leniency. He said if they're guilty, he'll have their heads.

- The Joker

Joke: Economy?

"Now that the war with Iraq is over a lot of people want President Bush to focus on the economy. You know who really wants President Bush to focus on the economy? Syria."

-Jay Leno

- The Joker

Joke: Bush Plan...

"Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'"

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: Bush Solves a Puzzle!

His closest advisors came to visit Bush at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Bush replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great.

"Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"

- The Joker

Joke: Picking on Dubya!

George W. Bush says that illiteracy among school children amounts to a "national emergency" and if elected, he'll spend $5 billion over 5 years to address the issue. George W. Bush and illiteracy. This is the new definition of "the blind leading the blind."

- The Joker

Joke: Just hung up on...

"The former governor of New Jersey and the head of the environmental protection agency, Christine Todd Whitman, has resigned. Did you hear about this? Two reasons: Bush felt she was too soft on decimating pristine wilderness, and she was too hung up on that breathable air issue."

-David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: We'll Get 'Em

"President Bush flew over Iraq in Air Force One, saw the devastation and said 'Don't worry about this, we'll get whoever did this.'"

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: The Traditional Way!

'This week the White House installed new software on its website that makes it harder for citizens to send an email to the President. Today the White House said, 'Americans can still contact Bush in the traditional way - by mailing a check.''

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: Hidden Weapons

"According to the Associated Press, there's a rumor that Saddam Hussein is now hiding weapons in schools. When asked why, Saddam said, Because a school is the last place President Bush will look."

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: Catching Up on World Affairs...

'I'm not worried about things in the world because yesterday President Bush told reporters that he is monitoring the situation in North Korea, very carefully. In fact today the president spent the whole day watching reruns of M.A.S.H.'

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: Smart?

President George W. Bush goes to Washington for a meeting with Bill Clinton. After dinner, Bill says, "Well, Bush, I don't know what you think of the members of your Cabinet, but mine were all brilliant."

"How could you tell?" asks Bush.

"It's simple," says Bill. "They all had to take special tests before they could become a cabinet member. Wait a second, I'll show you." He calls Madeleine Albright over and says, "Tell me, Madeleine, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"

"Ah, that's simple, Mr. President," says Madeleine, "It's me!"

"Well done, Madeleine," says Clinton, and Bush is very impressed.

Upon returning to the White House, Bush wonders about the intelligence of the members of his own cabinet, so he calls in Rumsfeld and says, "Rumsfeld, tell me, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"

Rumsfeld thinks and thinks but doesn't know the answer. "Can I think about it a bit further, Mr. President? May I let you know tomorrow?"

"Of course," says Bush, "You've got twenty-four hours." So Rumsfeld goes away, thinks as hard as he can, calls in the Cabinet Secretary, Chief Secretaries and Joint Secretaries, but no one knows the answer.

Twenty hours later, Rumsfeld is very worried, so he calls Powell. "Colin," he says, "Tell me, who is the child of your father and mother who is not your brother and not your sister?"

"Very simple," says Colin Powell, "It's me!"

"Of course," says Rumsfeld, and he rings Bush. "Mr. President," Rumsfeld says proudly, "I've got the answer: It's Colin Powell."

"No, you idiot," says Bush, "It's Madeleine Albright!"

- The Joker

Joke: Most Annoying Goes to...

'According to USA Today, President Bush is featured in television commercials for more than a dozen congressional candidates. In fact the Bush commercials are so effective, he's in line to replace the 'Dude you're getting a Dell' guy.'

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: Quick One-Liner

The Bush Administration is going to be called the Wizard of Oz Administration, because Dick Cheney needs a heart and George W. needs a brain!

- The Joker

Joke: BINGO!

"President Bush is in France for the big G8 Summit. He's had quite a sense of humor with everything. Every time someone at the G8 Summit says G8, President Bush yells 'Bingo.'"

-David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: More Fun with Dubya!

According to a new survey, the United States is the third-happiest country in the world overall, behind Denmark and Australia. When asked why he thought we were behind Denmark, George W. Bush said he didn't know, but we're ahead of Wal-mark and K-mark.

- The Joker

Joke: Texans in Hell!

A group of Texans are driving down the road, whooping it up, drinking beer when they get into an accident with busload of nuns and orphans, killing everyone. The Texans go straight to Hell. When they arrive the Devil is shocked to see that they are not in agony over the heat and he demands an explanation.

"Well, sir, we're from Texas, and we're used to the heat," says one. This infuriates the Devil and he cranks the thermostat up to its highest setting. The lost souls all over hell start wailing. "I'll check on them in the morning and see how they like THIS." He snorts and disappears in a ball of fire.

The next morning, the Devil shows up at the Texans' camp site, but they are only showing slight signs of discomfort. They have taken off their 10 Gallon hats and are fanning themselves. One has rolled up his sleeves. "Well, sir," explains a Texan, "when you have been on a cattle drive in Lubbock during August, this ain't hardly nothing." The Devil is now so angry he is seeing red.

"Those damn Texans seem immune to heat, let 's see what happens when I turn OFF the heat," he says as he heads to the thermostat. "I'll check on them tomorrow."

So in the morning the Devil arrives at the Texans' campsite, and they are all whoopin' and hollerin' and drinkin' the beers from the ice chest in the back of the pick up, now that they have ice to chill them with. The wail of the lost souls is deafening but the Texans are partyin' like there is no tomorrow.

"I don't get it," the Devil says, completely defeated. "I tried to roast you and it had no effect, and then I tried to freeze you and you are partying. You Texans are made of tough stuff. But why are you celebrating?"

A Texan takes a swig from a Bud in a longneck and replies, "Look around! Hell is frozen over. That's just gotta mean there is another Bush in the White House."

- The Joker

Joke: George W. Bush vs. the Taliban!

Mullah Mohammed Hasan Akhund, the deputy Taliban leader, and George W. Bush agree to meet in Kabul for the first round of talks in a new anti-terrorism process. When George sits down, he notices three buttons on the arm of Akhund's chair. They begin talking.

After about five minutes Akhund presses the first button. A boxing glove springs out of a box on the desk and punches Bush in the face. Annoyed, Bush carries on talking as Akhund laughs. A few minutes later the second button is pressed. This time a big boot comes out and kicks Bush in the shin. Again Akhund laughs, and again George carries on talking, not wanting to put off the bigger issue of peace between the two countries. But when the third button is pressed and another boot comes out and kicks Bush square in the privates, he's finally had enough.

"I'm headin' back home!" he calmly tells the Afghan. "We'll finish these talks in Washington in two weeks!"

A fortnight passes and Akhund flies to the United States for talks. As the two men sit down, Akhund notices three buttons on Bush's chair arm and prepares himself for the Texan's retaliation. They begin talking and George presses the first button. Akhund ducks, but nothing happens. George snickers but they continue talking. A few minutes later he presses the second button. Akhund jumps up, but again nothing happens. Bush roars with laughter. They continue the talks but when the third button is pressed, Akhund jumps up again, but again nothing happens.

Bush falls on the floor in a fit of hysterics. "Forget this," says Akhund. "I'm going back to Afghanistan!" George W. says, through tears of laughter, "What Afghanistan?"

- The Joker

Joke: EPA Head!

"Christie Todd Whitman, who is head of the EPA, has announced she is resigning at the end of the month. President Bush was shocked. He didn't even know we had an Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know what the EPA is? Their job is to protect the environment from President Bush."

-Jay Leno

- The Joker

Joke: Bush and Powell Plan World War III!

Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"

The barman said, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"

Bush said, "We're planning World War III."

The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Iraqis and one bicycle repairman."

The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"

Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Iraqis!"

- The Joker

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