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21 Clinton Jokes

Joke: A Tale of Two Pigs

Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps of Air Force One with two pigs under his arms.

At the bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and remarks, "Nice pigs, Mr. President"

Clinton replies, "I'll have to let you know that these are genuine Arkansas Razorback Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary.. So, now what do you think?"

The honor guardsman answers: "Nice trade, Sir."

- The Joker

Joke: Win-Win!

"Hillary's book is a big hit and the way Bill looks at it, it's a win-win situation: She's making a lot of money, and she's on tour doing book signings."

-David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: Home Truths on Air Force One

Al Gore and the Clintons are flying on Air Force One. Bill looks at Al, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $10,000 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Al shrugs his stiff shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $1,000 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy".

Hillary tosses her perfectly sprayed hair and says, "Of course, then, I could throw one-hundred $100 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Chelsea rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

- The Joker

Joke: The Strategist at the Pearly Gates!

A Democratic strategist assumes room temperature and finds himself at the Pearly Gates. The strategist is taken inside Heaven by St. Peter and given a guided tour. He's led into one huge room that is full of millions of clocks, and he notices a clock with his name on it that has stopped.

St. Peter explains that everyone has a clock that counts down the seconds of their life, and when someone dies, their clock stops. All this fascinates the strategist but when he examines all of the other clocks, he notices that some of the clocks' second hands are moving faster than others.

St. Peter explains that every time someone tells a lie, which is a sin, they lose part of their life, so their clock's second hand ends up moving faster.

The Democratic strategist looks around but doesn't see Bill Clinton's clock, so he asks St. Peter where it is.

"Oh," answers St. Peter, "that's being used as a ceiling fan."

- The Joker

Joke: Jack-o'-Lantern

What's the difference between a jack-o'-lantern and Hillary Clinton's head?

A light goes on in a jack-o'-lantern once a year.

- The Joker

Joke: Not Bad!

"Hillary Clinton has written a book -- it's a 600-page memoir -- eight years in the White House. Six hundred pages, that's amazing. Not bad for a woman who, when she was there had no idea what was going on."

-David Letterman

- The Joker

Joke: Tragedy

One day an English teacher asked her class if they knew the definition of a tragedy. One boy said it would be a tragedy if the principal died in the middle of the night. The teacher said, "No, though that would be a great loss." Another said it would be a tragedy if someone accidentally drove off a cliff. The teacher said, "No, that would be more of an accident."

Finally one very smart little boy said it would be a tragedy if Bill Clinton drove off a cliff. The teacher said, "Yes, that's exactly right! How did you know that?"

And the little boy said, "Well, it wouldn't be an accident, but it sure wouldn't be a great loss, either!"

- The Joker

Joke: Just One

"A conservative group is asking Americans to boycott all companies who advertise on Monica Lewinsky's new reality show. The conservative group is made up of several right wing Republicans and one female Democratic senator."

-Conan O'Brien

- The Joker

Joke: Dear Abby:

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he as cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider and has many friends and supporters.

They know he is a lying cheat, but they just avoid the issues. He is a hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery of him. Every time he gets caught he first denies it all, then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive him. This has been going on for so long, everyone in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed: Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate?

- The Joker

Joke: What does it Take!

"In her book Hillary Clinton said she could have divorced her husband for all of his infidelities, but decided to get counseling instead. In a related story Bill Clinton announced the name of his new book is 'What Does It Take To Get This Woman To Leave Me?'"

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: American Women...!

American Women...Do Your Part To Help! Stand Up, Be Seen!

We need to get this message out. Please forward, America needs your help!

The President has asked that we unite for a common cause. Since the hard line Islamic people cannot stand nudity, and consider it a sin to see a naked woman that is not their wife, tonight at 7:00 pm, all women should run out of their house naked to help weed out the terrorists.

The United States appreciates your efforts, and applauds you.

God bless America.


William Jefferson Clinton

- The Joker

Joke: Out for a Drive!

The Clintons are driving along in Arkansas. Needing gas, they pull over. Hillary excuses herself to go to the ladies' room. After filling the tank, Bill goes looking for Hillary and is surprised to see her talking animatedly with the gas station attendant. Stunned, he watches as she gives the attendant a big hug and a kiss on each cheek.

'What was that all about?' Bill asks huffily when she returns to the car. 'Oh,' explains Hillary, 'I went to high school with that guy. In fact, I think I even dated him at one time. We were catching up on old times.'

'Well,' observes Bill, 'I guess if you had married him, you?d be pumping gas today!'

'Oh no, Bill,' says Hillary, 'if I had married him, he'd be the president of the United States!'

- The Joker

Joke: A Moral Question

Pretend that you're a photographer who has gone out to the Midwest to take pictures of an ongoing flood. Now as you're wandering around looking for a good shot, you see Hillary Clinton in the middle of a rushing river, holding onto a thin branch so she won't get swept away. The branch is about halfway broken, and you know it will break altogether in a matter of minutes. Now you can do one of two things: You can either rescue her or take an award-winning picture that will secure your place in photographic history.

Now for the question:

Which lens would you use?

- The Joker

Joke: Road Trip to Oz

Former Vice President Dan Quayle, VP Dick Cheney, and President Bill Clinton are traveling by car in Kansas. A tornado comes along and whirls them up into the air and tosses them many miles away. They fall into a daze.

When they come to and extract themselves from the vehicle, they realize they're in the fabled Land of Oz. They decide to go see the famous Wizard of Oz, known for granting people their wishes.

Quayle announces: "I'll ask the Wizard for a brain."

Cheney responds: "I'll ask him for a heart."

Clinton looks around and says: "Where's Dorothy?"

- The Joker

Joke: Couple of Hillary Jokes!

"Hillary Clinton's 506-page memoirs comes out next week. So much of her personality shines through, that in the end, you'll want to sleep with an intern."

-Craig Kilborn

"There is a cold front moving across the country. Yeah, it's Hillary starting her book tour."

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: Clinton and the Genie...!

Bill Clinton was walking along the beach when he stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and lo-and-behold, a Genie appeared. Bill was amazed and asked if he got three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope...Due to inflation, constant downswing, low wages in third world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...What'll it be?"

Bill didn't hesitate. He said, "I want to be remembered for bringing peace to the Middle East, instead of that other stuff with Monica, and Jennifer, and the rest of those women. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map of the Middle East and exclaimed, "Jeez, Fella! These people have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good. I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

Bill thought for a minute and said, "You know, people really don't like my wife. Even though she got elected, they call her a carpetbagger. They think she's mean, ugly, and pushes me around. I wish for her to be the most beautiful woman in the world and I want everybody to like her. That's what I want."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Lemme see that map again."

- The Joker

Joke: The Puppy Trader

Hillary Clinton was on her way somewhere when he came across a little boy selling puppies. She stops and asks the boy "What kind of puppies are they?"

The boy replies, "They're Democratic puppies, Ma'am." With this she smiles and walks off.

Later on that day she mentions to Bill about the boy and his puppies and suggested that it might be nice to have a puppy around the house. The next week Bill was on his way to McDonald's and saw the boy and his puppies. He stops and asks the boy, "What kind of puppies are they?"

The boy replies, "They're Republican puppies, Sir."

"Republican puppies?" Bill asked. "Last week you told my wife they were Democratic puppies."

The boy replied, "I know, Sir. But since then they opened their eyes."

- The Joker

Joke: Hillary Clinton vs. God!

Bill Clinton, Hillary Clinton, and Al Gore were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al first.

"Al, what do you believe in?"

Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used, the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and sit at my left."

God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"

Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in feeling people's pain."

God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit at my right."

God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"

"I believe you're in my chair."

- The Joker

Joke: Poor Bill!

"The word is that Bill Clinton is so distraught over Hillary's new book that he's been drinking. Sweet Lord, we've seen the chicks he hits on when he's sober!"

-Craig Kilborn

- The Joker

Joke: While out Jogging One Morning

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and accidentally fell from a ridge into a very cold river. Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident. Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and dragged the wet president out of the river.

After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it, I'll give it to you."

The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to Disneyland!"

"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.

"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.

"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the grateful Clinton.

"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the third boy.

"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not handicapped!"

"No -- but I will be when my dad finds out I saved you from drowning."

- The Joker

Joke: Her Version

"All week, Hillary Clinton has been saying that she has no intention of running for president. See, this is kind of like her version of 'I did not have sexual relations with that woman."

-Jay Leno

- The Joker

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